#I can't give up when lesbian fiction looks like That

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Me ranting about a book below the cut but I just need to get this off my chest

Honestly, I hated that ending so fucking much. It's honestly so fucking impressive how the author was able to ruin two books worth of stuff in one single sentence at the end. I can't believe that she'd allow the two of them to take on other lovers. The MC went a full century without touching anyone else. She waited for her lover to awaken and yet??? I feel like the two of them just should not have gotten together if they were just gonna??? Break up, fuck other people for a hundred years, and then get back together? How on earth is that love? How on earth is that "fated"?

"Hey, I'm totally cool with you being miles away from me even though you genuinely do not have to be. Not only that, but I'm totally cool with both of us fucking a multitude of other people for literally a hundred years. After we're done with our hundred year escapade of not being loyal to each other, why don't we get back together?"

Fucking insane. That's your retelling? That's your happy ending?? What self respecting person would allow someone to put them on the back burner for 100 years? It's not like their love wasn't confessed. They admitted to loving each other. Or loving each other once, at least. So? Either end it or be faithful? Who the fuck allows themselves to be a "hmm... I'm gonna sample everyone else first and come back to you when I feel like it" for fucking 100 years? Is that really love prevailing? Is that really true love? And what on earth was with all that ambiguous sexuality bullshit? I'm going to kill someone.

Y'all, I am being so fucking serious when I say the ending of this book influenced by writing and my drive to be a writer in a way that literally nothing else has. This book had me in shambles. I can't think about it too long. I cried for days after. Just the thought of the line "Alyce, come home" can send me into turmoil fr. God, I fucking hate lesbian books. I'm never reading one again.

[aceing-on-the-cake]

Compulsory Heterosexuality Info Dump

So because a friend of mine didn't know what comp het was and their internet history is monitored by their parents so they can't just use google, I'm doing a very quick research dive and giving you guys the results in case there are others out there who are in the same situation. I'll also be tagging blogs bigger than me because again, there might be fellow queers out their who are in the same boat as my friend and I want them to have access to this information.

So what is compulsory heterosexuality (or comp het)?

Comp het is in essence the societal belief and enforcement of being straight.

What does this mean?

In basic form it means that the only options presented to everyone, from the moment of birth, is that of a cis, amatonormative, heterosexual lifestyle.

You are given two gender options, these gender options determine the two roles you're allowed to fulfill, husband and wife, and you are told that these two roles are what will make you happy and are what you are supposed to strive for.

Meaning society, if you are born AFAB, tells you you're going to one day get married, it's going to be a boy, and this is what will make you happy. Almost everything in life is then seen through this lens. How attractive your are, how you are supposed to talk, how you're supposed to behave, etc is all considered through the lens of if a man will be attracted to you.

On the flip side, if you are born AMAB society tells you there are roles you have to fulfill as well. You are told you will one day want a wife, that you have to be able to have a job to provide for her, that you have to behave in a certain emotional way to be strong for her, that if the things you like are too feminine well then you're gay or a girl which is a problem because at the end of the day you're supposed to want the girl-fiance-wife.

This literally just sounds like the patriarchy.

Yes, it does, because it's caused by it. Nowadays people commonly know about compulsory heterosexuality from the Lesbian Masterdoc, but the term actually originated by Adrienne Rich in 1980.

Adrienne Rich in her article Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence put forward three ideas, 1) that heterosexuality and lesbianism were institutions themselves/possible political ideologies, 2) that heterosexuality as a system if not constantly maintained and upheld would eventually crumble and 3) that heterosexuality as a system could be opted out of and actively fought against whether or not you were actually attracted to women/non-women.

This is very different from the way we currently think of and define those terms, I am aware of that, but her point does still stand to some degrees that comp het, cisnormativity and amatonormativity all crumble when we stop rigidly enforcing the structures that uphold them, i.e., the patriarchy, misogyny, classism, and racism.

Ok but like what does that actually look like?

It can look like a lot of things, for a lot of different people. In the Lesbian Masterdoc you see comp het presented from a straightforward lesbian lens (of a 19 year old figuring out and defining their own sexuality guys, I'm not gonna sit here and critique it and rip it to death, go do that somewhere else).

This is therefore presented through things like women/non-women who were raised/socialized as women possibly having crushes on men, but they're always unattainable in some way (celebrities, fictional, someone real but they wouldn't actually ever be able to truly be in a relationship with, etc). It might also show up for lesbians as liking the idea of a man but being uncomfortable when one actually wants to move forward in the process. Or even sometimes it might show up as sexual fantasies with men but they're faceless, they're more an idea, or you're actually viewing another woman sleeping with him.

This presentation of comp het has made a lot of bi/pan/mspec people uncomfortable because they feel they too have experiencing comp het and when reading the Lesbian Masterdoc it's presented as if experiencing this is a straight shot towards being a lesbian.

And they're right that comp het isn't experienced by just lesbians. For mspecs who present feminine/as women this could be in the feeling that they have to dress a certain way to be presentable, but presentable is based on appealing to men. This can mean something as simple as women are expected to wear makeup, always, regardless of if they're looking to seek men's attention or not, because that's the base standard.

For mspecs who present masculine this can look like the inability to express themselves in an overly emotional manner because that doesn't make them "strong" and if they're not "strong" then they won't attract women, and that's what they're supposed to be doing.

For mspecs in general that can look like their queer looking relationships to be seen as a phase even if their mspec-ness is respected because of course they're eventually going to get married to a man/woman.

This can affect polyamorous cishet people in that they're seen as doing heterosexuality wrong because you're supposed to have the one partner and the 2.5 kids.

This can affect aspecs because they're told they'll never truly feel fulfilled if they don't have that boyfriend/girlfriend/partner to love them in a way that's so special nothing else could match up.

This affects all of us guys is my point.

How is this helpful to me?

Well for sapphics and lesbians (or sapphics/mspecs confused on if they are actually lesbians) this can be a helpful concept to consider because it can help you determine what relationships you truly want to pursue, which is the main point I feel is to be gained from the Lesbian Masterdoc. As she's put it "it's way more important to ask yourself if you can be truthfully happy with a man than if you’re attracted to them"

So if you're a sapphic who experiences attraction to men but you honestly can't ever see yourself willingly entering into a relationship with them, consider the idea of comp het.

If you're Achillean the opposite of this can be true, if you've been attracted to women before but honestly can't ever see yourself willingly entering into a relationship with them, consider whether comp het is working on you.

For mspecs this can be a helpful term to throw over the table back at your parents when they ask when you're going to get a "real relationship".

This can be a helpful term to consider when asking "am I forcing myself to wear mascara because I feel this is the only way I look presentable or do I actually like mascara."

Or it can be a helpful concept to look back on when undermining our internalized ideals of misogyny, towards ourselves and others.

This is a helpful term to put in our tool boxes to talk about the harm the systems of patriarchy, classism, and racism impose upon us.

Comp het can help us to understand why so many people look down on polyamory as a legitimate way of life.

It can be a helpful term for aspecs who are trying to figure out if they really want to date/have sex, or if they just believe these are the only things that will make you happy.

In general

Compulsory heterosexuality is just another term to describe a system we are all intimately familiar with. But by giving us the words to describe our experiences, it gives us the power to communicate those experiences more effectively, and to possibly understand why we're experiencing them.

This is just a bare basic knowledge post.

Honestly if you have the ability to, as in your internet history is not monitored in the way my friend's is, I encourage you to go on the deep dive through the sources listed below. Many of them are honestly only 30 pages long, that's a relatively short read, and understanding queer theory like this not only helps you to understand your own identity, but the ways in which you are connected to the rest of the fellow queer community.

Sources

Lesbian Masterdoc

Queer Theory 101: Compulsory Heterosexuality

Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence

Normativities Defined

Taglist

I'm tagging blogs bigger than me so that this has an easier time getting passed around as I mainly talk about aspec issues because I am aspec, but as stated above, I wanted to make sure that queer people who's internet histories are monitored and are only able to find information through tumblr safely could do so.

@our-queer-experience @our-sapphic-experience @our-lesbian-experience @our-aspec-experience @our-polyamorous-experience @our-pansexual-experience @our-unlabelled-experience @our-aroace-experience @our-mspec-experience @our-questioning-experience @our-bisexual-experience

[ficsforeren]

Our Little Secret - Chapter 6 (End)

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Eren Jaeger X Female Reader

Genre: College AU, Spider-Man/Spider-Girl AU, Fluff, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Eventual Smut

Series Summary: Eren Jaeger, a 21-year-old virgin college student who loves his camera a little bit too much, has a crush on you. Every night, he switches on his camera and talks about you but he never could find the courage to speak to you in real life. Strangely enough, he finds it easy for him to befriend Spider-Girl, the crime fighting vigilante, not knowing that you both share the same identity.

Chapter Summary: Eren still can't believe that he just went on a date with the most popular girl in school and kissed the hottest superheroine in town all in one night. He tells himself that he has to make a decision—to choose between you and Spider-Girl, not knowing that you two are the same person. Well, maybe it's time for you to reveal your little secret.

Content Warnings: swearing, mentions of characters going through depression, traumatic past events, a little bit of smut near the end (not too explicit)

Word Count: 16k

Poster art by the most talented @rainbuniart on Twitter

Armin Arlert loves Eren Jaeger. He does. He really does, like in a platonic-but-can-also-be-qualified-as-super-gay-way-sometimes. 

He adores him. Might even name his fictional son after him in the future, who knows? He thinks Eren is the best friend he could ever ask for. Armin wouldn’t put his life on the line to save him, true, (‘cause as much as he loves the guy, that bitch can die on his own since it will probably be because of his damn fault anyway), but he would definitely sacrifice his most precious body pillow if Eren’s life depends on it and that’s saying something. Actually, hold up. Let’s not make any hasty decisions here. It’s a special, limited edition dakimakura with his fictional wife printed on it while wearing a slutty maid outfit. He ain’t gonna throw those glorious 2D titties just for Eren’s lousy ass.

Though his actions may speak otherwise, Armin does care about him. More than he has ever cared about anyone else, really. Even on those days back in high school when he was a bit… bicurious, Armin had imagined himself—more than once (or ten)—being with Eren and how hot it would be if he had Eren all tied up on his bed with his body shrouded by wet tentacles that were stimulating each of his sensitive spots. He knew it was weird to imagine his best friend begging him with tears in his eyes, saying lewd things like “Please, Master Arlert, please give me your thick, hard cock and fill me up with your seeds. I want you to breed me like a fucking whore,” but Armin was an eighteen-year-old virgin with a raging sexual desire, okay? Can you really blame him? (yes, please blame him, he's insane).

It didn’t help that Eren looked so pretty with his hair down either, especially when he was sitting half-naked on Armin’s bedroom floor during those hot summer days with a popsicle stuck inside his mouth, making questionable groaning and sucking noises as he jammed his thumbs against his X-Box controller. It also didn’t help that Armin had watched too much hentai in his spare time but at least, he was proud of it. Eren watched tentacles porn too—and enjoyed it—but he would always pretend he didn’t and say that he preferred lesbian porn just so he could “fit in” and “be normal” or whatever. Fucking coward.

We’re getting sidetracked but the point is, Armin loves Eren to the moon and back, but sometimes, sometimes, he just wants to break all 206 bones in his body, squeeze him into a pulp and flush him down the toilet. And by sometimes, he means now.

“Armin!” He can hear the sounds of small rocks hitting his window, followed by Eren’s husky voice calling his name in a mix between a shout and a whisper. “Armin! Dude, wake up!”

Armin only has one eye opened, glowering at the digital clock on his desk that shows it’s two in the fucking morning. His parents might be heavy sleepers—the government has to drop a nuclear bomb for them to wake up—but Armin needs complete silence to be able to wane into his dreamland (which would be the only place for him to be embraced by his fox-eared waifu). He tries to ignore the asshole standing outside his window, but that so-called green-eyed butthole is as stubborn as he is relentless. 

Gathering a handful of pebbles, Eren throws them one by one, continuously hissing Armin’s name like a demonic cat. With each stone hitting his window, Armin transforms even further into a seething monster. By the sixteenth pebble Eren throws, the blonde-haired boy pushes himself off the bed, grabs the baseball bat he hides inside his closet—which he bought not for sport, but for this very reason—and stomps his way to the front door.

“Armin!” Eren rejoices when he sees his best friend walking past his lawn, moving toward him. “Oh, thank God, you’re awake! I need to talk to you—WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO WITH THAT BAT?!”

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, JAEGER!”

It’s always like this with them—Eren annoying the shit out of him and Armin trying to kill him two or three times in a row—but it would all end well, not with laughter, but with a massive bump on Eren’s head that may or may not be big enough to trigger permanent brain damage. But then again, Eren is already an idiot. He’s probably maxed out at this point. 

“One of these days, Arlert,” Eren groans in pain, rubbing the back of his skull as he wills his tears to stop brimming in his eyes. “I’m gonna file a restraining order on you.”

“That’s my line, you nincompoop.”

“I don’t know what nincompoop means but that doesn't sound pretty.”

The two boys sit on the little stairs that lead to Armin’s porch (five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay). Armin still has his baseball bat between his legs, his golden hair all tousled from his one-hour sleep. Eren, who’s usually attentive to another person’s well-being, is too excited to pay attention to the bags forming under his eyes. Playfully bumping his shoulder against Armin’s, he asks him, “Dude, guess who just had his first kiss tonight?”

“Why do we strive for perfection if it is not attainable?” Armin says, dramatically sighing into the night. “What is the meaning of a good life? Is there a meaning in life itself? Are we human or are we dancers?”

Eren, now confused, has his smile wavering. “The hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, I thought we were just throwing out random questions.”

“That last one wasn’t even a question. That was `Are We Human’ by The Killers.”

“Yes and they were asking us whether we are human or dancers when they should have been asking: why can’t we be both?”

“It’s me,” Eren replies flatly. “I just had my first kiss.”

“Oh, wow, congratulations. I did not see that coming at all.” There’s no mirth or enthusiasm on Armin's face. He's just clapping his hands as he keeps his voice monotone. “Your lips aren’t a virgin anymore. Make sure they don’t turn into a whore.”

Eren, well-accustomed to his sarcasm, remains unfazed, continuously acting like the love-struck puppy that he is. “Aren’t you gonna ask me how it felt like?” He wiggles his eyebrows, showcasing a cheeky grin. “I’ll give you a clue. The word starts with an A and ends with a G.”

“Anal Rimming?”

Eren sends him a flat stare. “It’s amazing.”

“Sure, if you say so. I mean, I’ve never done anal or rimming before so I wouldn’t know, but hey, if it’s amazing then good for you, buddy.”

“I meant the kiss, Armin!”

This attitude Armin is throwing at him is his way of saying dude, I love you but I’m so fucking pissed at you right now, and Eren understands how much he’s being selfish for taking Armin’s precious sleeping time. He knows and he apologizes for it. But if he doesn’t tell Armin about the kiss—about how he’s both overjoyed and conflicted by it—he’s sure as hell he’s going to lose his mind. 

Armin, despite how snarky he is, can only exhale exaggeratedly in defeat once Eren puts his best-kicked puppy look on display. “Fine, you twat. Spill.”

And with his permission, Eren’s words come rushing in like a bullet train. “Dude, it was insane.” Whenever he thinks about the kiss, the first thing Eren feels is joy. The kind of joy that is so fierce, it leaves him burned and paralyzed by it. “I’ve been imagining what my first kiss was gonna be like since forever but even the sweetest dream wouldn’t be able to compare to how amazing it was.”

Armin can see it—that glow on his face. It’s the first time he’s ever witnessed his best friend being this happy. It's disgusting. “You sound like that sappy Aerosmith song.”

“And to think that I was having my first kiss upside down!”

“Wait, what?” Armin finally shows a reaction, his eyebrows adjoined in the middle. “Upside-down?”

“Yeah, she was hanging upside down.”

“Hanging? How—why—” You know that Jackie Chan meme? The one with him looking all confused? Yeah, that’s Armin right now. “Where were you? In her room?”

“Umm… no. We were outside.”

“In public?”

“Yeah, but no one was around. Oh wait, there were like three guys around us but they were unconscious.”

The more he explains, the more perplexed Armin becomes. “Why were they—no, who were they?”

“Just some dudes wanting to steal my camera.” Eren turns sheepish, his index finger scratching his cheek at the memory of you fighting so gracefully under the rain, almost like dancing. The words he says don’t match his expression at all. “They had, like, a knife against my throat. It was really scary.”

“Oh yeah, I can tell, ‘cause you’re blushing so hard right now.” At this rate, being sarcastic is the only way for Armin to keep himself sane.

Eren, to Armin’s horror, giggles. “I remember the way she came by. It was so dramatic. She beat their asses to save my life like bam, kapoww, kapoww!”

Almost getting hit by Eren’s lame attempt at re-enacting your punches, Armin cringed, “Please stop.” 

“We kinda flirted a little bit after that and I just, you know…” Eren has really turned into a thirteen-year-old girl at this point. “I kissed her. She was hanging upside down. There was rain pouring above our heads and we were, like, smiling into the kiss. It was so romantic.”

Fuck Jackie Chan. That meme needs to be reinvented using Armin’s face now. He’s more confused than any Chinese man could ever be. “Hold up, you fucker.” He pushes his eyeglasses up his nose, a pair of sapphire eyes scrutinizing Eren's face as if he could find the answer if he looks hard enough. “How and why was she hanging upside down?”

“Well, she was about to swing away when I stopped her and so she was hanging onto her web and—”

“Her web?” This dude makes absolutely no fucking sense! Armin is now picturing you (not Spider-Girl. You.) in your preppy girl outfit hanging upside down on a tree like a fucking monkey, exchanging tongues and saliva with an actual monkey who was twice your size. The result? Absolutely ludicrous. “Dude, what kind of kinky shit are you guys into?!”

And it’s only then that Eren remembers something. “Oh, no, you’re getting the wrong idea. I wasn’t talking about her. I kissed a different girl.”

“You kissed a diff—” Armin stops himself before he explodes. Taking a deep breath, exhaling with his eyes closed, he mutters under his voice, “Lord, give me strength.” When he blinks open his eyes again, Armin seems much calmer, although his grip around his baseball bat is tightening twice as hard. His fingers are just itching to smack the shit out of his best friend. Again.

Eren, scared for his life, has both hands in the air. “Calm down, Min.”

“I’m calm, I’m calm.” But he takes another deep breath just in case. Armin smiles—that kind of deadly smile that doesn’t reach his eyes—when he asks, “Let’s start from the beginning. You went on a date with Miss Popular.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“But you didn’t kiss her and instead you kissed someone else.”

Now that Armin phrases it like that, that feeling of remorse that Eren felt an hour ago comes back rushing in. Eren still loathes himself for kissing another girl right after his date with you ended but the thing is, it felt right. It felt like it was something he had been wishing to happen for years. He had spent all this time imagining what it would be like to share a chaste kiss under the rain with you—the college version of you. But when the moment was there, he couldn’t do it. It didn’t feel right. He felt guilt at that time, knowing that Spider-Girl kept showing up in his head when he was supposed to be thinking about you. But he didn't feel any of that when he shared those kisses with that alter ego of yours. He just felt joy. It felt amazing. It felt right. 

But with Armin confronting him about it, he returns to the dilemma he was drowning himself in a few hours ago. The time when he realized that he was in love with Spider-Girl instead of you.

“Yeah,” Eren admits in shame, casting his gaze downward. “I kissed someone else.”

Armin fixes his glasses again, just so he’d have something to do instead of looking flabbergasted at the revelation. “And who did you kiss?”

“Umm… Spider-Girl.”

Armin looks at him and Eren looks back. Three seconds pass by in silence and then—

“AW!” Eren shouts in reflex, not caring if it’s two-thirty in the morning, right after Armin smacked him with the end of his baseball bat. “Dude, stop doing that! It hurts!”

“You’re fucking with me,” Armin says, hitting him repetitively on his side. “You’re absolutely fucking with me right now. Can’t believe I woke up to listen to you spouting bullshit!”

“I’m not bullshitting you!” Eren winces, trying to dodge his next attack.

“You’re saying you kissed one of the town's hottest superheroines? The same girl who took down the Lizard—no, the same girl who looks smoking hot in that white spandex—you kissed that girl?”

“Yes! Fuck—Stop hitting me!” Eren, at some point, manages to snatch away the bat from Armin’s grip. His body feels sore all over, even more than when he fought those men in the alley. “Yes, Armin, I kissed her.”

“Yeah,” Armin snorts. “And I just had some raunchy sex in the barn with Green Goblin. Expect his babies to pop out of my ass in nine months.”

The brunette rolls his eyes. “Look, Spider-Girl and I have been friends for weeks now. Here.” Eren retrieves his phone from his pocket, going through his gallery before he shows the selfie he took with you in your costume on the night you shared stories on the rooftop of St. Mark’s theater. You were both so close to each other, shoulders nearly squeezed together as you tried to fit your faces inside the frame. Eren had the biggest, gleeful grin, his skin seemingly tanner than usual next to your white mask and hoodie. Armin examines the picture with suspicious eyes, his gaze shifting back and forth from his friend’s face to his phone. 

“Hmm, very convincing,” Armin comments. “Not sure where you found the skill to photoshop this shit so fast when it took you a week to choose a fucking filter for your Twitter PFP but okay. Assume that I believe you—I don’t,” he emphasizes. “But for the sake of our conversation, let’s just assume I do."

"Fine." 

"So you kissed her.”

“Yeah.”

“Upside down in the rain?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“And how was it?”

“It was…” Eren’s cheeks sizzle at the memory. “They were… soft. Her lips, I mean. They were so soft and they tasted… sweet.”

Armin’s expression turns from suspicious to I’m-tired-of-your-shit-Jaeger in 0.2 seconds. “I was thinking more like it was bad because I’m sure she had rain clogging up her nose, ‘cause that would’ve sounded more realistic, but sure, let’s be corny.”

“Wait,” Eren blanches. “Do you think she was uncomfortable?” It’s stupid that he only realizes this now, but then again, what else is new?

“Yeah, well,” Armin shrugs. “Hanging upside down certainly didn’t seem like it was the best position to make out in, 'cause you have blood rushing to your head and all. And since it was raining, she definitely had water getting up her nose.”

“Oh my God,” Eren utters in horror, his hands going to his head. “Why didn’t I think about that?”

“Probably cause you were too busy sticking your tongue down her throat.”

Eren has no consistency in managing his emotions because at one point he was panicking, and now, he’s back to giggling like a schoolgirl. “Yeah, we used tongue a few times. It was so exciting.”

“Give me back my bat. I’m gonna kill myself with it.”

But jokes aside, the question remains. How could Eren, who has zero games in dating as far as Armin knows, kiss another girl—and not just another girl, Spider-Girl—right after he went on a date with one of his campus’ most popular girls? Even the sentence sounds bizarre and he hasn’t spoken them out loud. Most importantly, though, why? Why did Eren do it? “I thought you were in love with her,” Armin says. “Miss Popular, I mean. You spent the entire summer jerking off to that one picture of her wearing that short skirt and now you’re saying you like some other girl whose face you don’t even know?”

“Did you have to phrase it like that?” Eren mumbles in shame though he can’t deny the fact that he did spend—well, not the entire summer, the entire two weeks, probably—masturbating to the thoughts of you. It wasn’t the proudest moment in his life, but in his defense, that skirt you wore looked super cute on you. “I know, I fucked up,” he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m the worst.”

“How did this even happen?”

Eren tells him everything, and the more details he reveals, the harder he drowns in his guilt. He feels like he just betrayed and disrespected you—both you and Spider-Girl and it hurts him terribly because he still can’t decide between the two of you. He’s so conflicted he feels like he’s about to vomit his insides. 

“It’s so weird, you know?” Eren says. “At the end of the date, I was sure she wanted me to kiss her. I mean, like, the moment was there. We both felt it, and I wanted to do it but I… I kept thinking about Spider-Girl and it just felt… wrong. I didn’t want our first kiss to go that way—me kissing a girl while thinking about another girl. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“Should’ve just kissed her, in my opinion,” Armin counters. “If you had done it, it would’ve been easier for you to make sure of your feelings now.”

 “But that would’ve made me the biggest asshole in the world.”

“You are the biggest asshole in the world. But yeah, probably. Did it feel right when you kissed Spider-Girl?”

Though the remorse on Eren’s face still stands vividly, some of it morphs into delight at the memory. “Yes, it was,” he admits. “It felt like… something I should’ve done weeks ago, you know? Like, why didn’t I realize sooner that I’m in love with her kind of feeling. And I keep thinking about everything—about my feelings toward Spider-Girl and my feelings toward her and it’s stressing me out. Do you think a man can be in love with two girls at the same time?”

“You’re talking to a guy who has, like, seven different waifus. Of course, you can,” Armin snorts. “The problem is, unlike my wives who don’t know I exist, you have to choose. Unless you want to continue being a gigantic fucking asshole for the rest of your life, you need to decide who you want to be with.”

“I know...” Eren starts chewing on the inside of his cheek. It feels like he has a storm raging inside him. “I think I’m in love with Spider-Girl because I feel like… I know her better. I mean, I’ve been spending more time with her, so she feels more like a person to me. More… You know, real.”

Armin nods. “But when you went on a date with Miss Popular, did you enjoy it?”

“I did.” His answer is immediate. “More than I expected I would. She was so nice and funny and she… She gave me a scarf ‘cause she thought I was cold. She was so caring. She was great.”

“What if her personality is just as attractive as Spider-Girl’s then?” Armin provides a new perspective—a genuinely good one, which is rare considering how big of a pervert he is. “I feel like you just need some time to get to know her better.”

“Yeah, but how can I do that if I keep thinking about Spider-Girl? What if every time I see her, all I do is compare her traits to hers? It’s not fair.”

“Okay, let me ask you this,” Armin sighs loudly into the air. “Can you really see yourself dating a superhero? You don’t even know her real identity or what she looks like. What if she’s ugly?”

“I don’t care how she looks.” Determination stands thick in Eren’s voice. “It’s her—” He clears his throat, his face turning scarlet. “I-it’s her heart that I love.”

“Oh my God, I’m gonna throw up on you.” 

“I mean like her mannerisms!” Eren hastily adds when Armin threatens to jam a finger inside his own mouth. “Her attitudes, the way she talks, the way she thinks, and the stuff we talk about—that’s what I care about the most. She’s my best friend.”

“Excuse me?” Armin repeats, offended, picking up his weapon.

“A-after you, of course.”

“That’s right, bitch.” He drops his baseball bat back to the ground. “Okay, fine, you don’t care if she’s ugly. Not my problem. But does she like you?”

“I think so? I mean, she kept asking me to kiss her again. You don’t do something like that with someone you don’t like, right?”

“Yeah, well, strangers fuck at nightclubs all the time. I won’t think too much over a kiss.”

The pretty shade of red that paints Eren’s face turns pale by the second. “You don’t think she likes me?”

“I do, but is it enough for her to want to date you?” Armin lands a hand on the other man’s shoulder, giving him his best sympathetic look. “I wouldn’t be so sure, man. Look, I’m not trying to sound like a douchebag for crushing your R-rated dream so early like this but you’re my friend and you need a reality check so here it goes. She’s a superhero. Okay? She’s busy. She doesn’t have time to play tonsil hockey with nerds like us. Plus, if she cares about you then maybe she won’t date you ‘cause you’ve seen what happened to Mary Jane, right? That chick got taken hostage at least once a week these days, ’cause of what?”

“Umm… Cause she’s dating Peter Parker?”

“That’s absolutely right, you nincompoop.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what nincompoop means.”

“At this point, MJ doesn’t even scream anymore when she has a gun pointed at her head. She’s just like—” Armin pretends he has his smartphone between his hands, his thumbs moving to type something. He keeps his face blank and his voice monotone, talking in an exaggerated New York accent. “‘Oh no, please, don’t hurt me, I’m scareeeed. Hashtag SpideyDrama, hashtag Spidey-MJLoveStory. Take a cute selfie with my kidnapper—” He pretends to take a picture, puckering his lips while forming a peace sign with his two fingers. “—aaaand post.’”

Under different circumstances, Eren would have laughed. Armin’s impression of her was spot on. “Yeah, but that’s because everyone knows that Peter is Spider-Man. No one knows who Spider-Girl is.”

“Yes, but if you keep making out with her in public, they’ll know about you, and then what? You want to start doing your own TikTok trend? Hashtag PrayforErenJaegerTheNewDamselinDistress?” Eren parts his lips to answer but he’s stopped by two hands squeezing him by the shoulders. “Look. Just give Miss Popular another try, okay? It’s easier to be with her than being with Miss Vigilante, I promise you. Plus, Spider-Girl knows how you feel about her, right? Don’t you think it would make you sound like a player if you talked like a lovesick fool about another girl, but then you confessed to her three days later?”

Again, it’s absolutely ridiculous that Eren just realized this now. “You’re right,” he utters in horror. “Holy shit, you’re right.”

“Of course, I am.” Armin scoffs, tossing back his imaginary long hair over his shoulder. “Forget about Spider-Girl for now. Give it a week or two to sort out your feelings. Or focus on something else, like jerk off to your favorite tentacle porn or something. If you still feel like you can’t move on from her then, we’ll go to Plan B.”

“W-what is that?”

Armin retrieves his bat. “Me, beating the shit out of you until you suffer from a massive concussion and forget about this whole thing.”

“Yeah, why don’t we just stick to Plan A for now, thanks. But no tentacle porn.”

"Pfft, whatever, your loss."

***

You have never—never—felt like you were floating in the clouds after sharing a kiss with a boy, and yet there you are, climbing through your window with the biggest dopey smile on your face. You take off your mask, throwing yourself on your bed with the longest, most blissful, content sigh you’ve ever heaved in your life. 

You have two fingers tracing over the seam of your lips, your skin somehow still tingles whenever the memory of that kiss resurfaces. The sweet, pleasant taste of his mouth still lingers near. The soft texture of his lips is the best thing you’ve ever felt against your own. 

“Eren…” His name drifts past your lips and you find yourself giggling, turning over to your stomach before you let out a high-pitched scream against your pillow. It felt like a first love’s kiss and perhaps it was since he is your first love, isn’t he? You haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. Every cell in your body seems to scream I love him, I love him, I love him every time his smile appears behind your closed lids. It feels like you’re thirteen again, just a lovesick girl whose fingers are itching to pour every emotion you felt into your journal. 

Dear diary, I’m in love. 

You didn’t think your first kiss with him would be like that, but it was ten times better. No, a million times better, even if you did have rain clogging up your nose at some point. Eren was so… passionate, you think to yourself as you feel your stomach flipping at the memory of his lips melding against yours. You may be a virgin, but unlike him, you have experienced many first kisses before and none of them was this memorable. None of them managed to awaken the butterflies in your stomach as his kisses did. And none of those boys tasted as good as he was.

“I am down so bad,” you sigh as you hug your pillow close to your chest, a dreamy smile sketched upon your lips. I can’t wait for tomorrow to come. I want to see him. I want to be with him again.

With that thought in mind, you begin to create your diabolical plan to reveal your true identity to him. As cute as he was looking all conflicted from falling in love with both you and Spider-Girl, you decide not to torture him even longer. It’s unbelievable, the amount of elation you felt the moment you realized that he’s fallen for Spider-Girl. It’s clear proof that he wasn’t just attracted to your looks, but your personality too. It puts you at ease, knowing that he keeps catching feelings no matter what persona you’re putting in front of him. He fell for you when you were just an innocent little girl who couldn’t do anything but fangirl over Wonder Woman all day. He fell for you when he saw you stepping onto the podium to accept your science medal, blinding everyone with your perfect smile. And he fell for Spider-Girl, your alter ego that embodied your true personality.

I wonder how you would react when you find out that I’m all those three?

“Maybe I should step up my game,” you mumble to yourself. “Maybe I should be a little…”

The corners of your mouth curve up. Your smirk is just straight-up evil at this point. Hell, even Norman Osborn didn’t look this wicked when he turned into Green Goblin. 

“Aggressive.”

***

When Eren told his brother, Zeke Jaeger, that he wanted to borrow his motorcycle to pick up a girl this morning, his brother was on the floor. Literally on the floor. 

Zeke was skeptical at first, snorting loudly as he muttered, “Pfft. As if you could get a girl to notice you. Bet my ass you’re just being delusional.” But then Eren, heaving the biggest sigh, raised his phone in the air, flashed his wallpaper—that one picture you took on your date with you smiling as you kissed his cheek—on his brother’s face and Zeke collapsed to his knees.

“Oh my God.” Zeke landed both palms on the parquet, eyes shaking in horror. “Oh my fucking God.”

Eren, who was accustomed to his brother’s dramatic antics, simply shrugged when his aunt Dina looked at them funny. “He’s having a moment,” he explained and Dina just returned to her cooking, not wanting to deal with any of that. 

It usually took Zeke a while to get back on his feet—literally—when he was having an episode like that. Eren simply waited with his back leaning against the wall, checking his watch with boredom written in his eyes. “Try and make it quick. I got a date.”

“I can’t believe you found yourself a girl before me,” Zeke sobbed. “I thought it was Armin dressing up as a girl again—"

“We’re over that phase now.”

“—but no, she’s actually a cute fucking chick. Probably has massive badonkers too.”

“Please don’t say that.” Great, now I can’t stop thinking about it too, Eren adds inwardly, face flushed. What if she… does have massive badonkers—I mean, tits—I mean, breasts. He shakes his head. Eren, you idiot. Who cares if she has huge boobs or not. Flat, or huge, those are still great tits—no, stop thinking about her tits!

“Fuck, what if it’s true?” Zeke looked up to his brother from below, like a tortured servant to his sadistic master. “What if she’s packing some dobonhonkeros? Like, massive dohoonkabhankoloos, ya know what I mean? Big old tonhongerekoogers—”

“Language, Zeke,” Dina chimes in from the kitchen. “I don’t understand what you’re saying but I know they’re filthy words so stop it.” 

Eren, in the meantime, is conflicted between not thinking about your breasts or smacking the shit out of his brother. “You’re being disrespectful, stop it.”

“GOD, I WANT A GIRLFRIEND—”

“JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS!”

Zeke, almost with tears painting his eyes, handed them over to him. “Once you’re finished with it, do me a favor and just run me over. I don’t have the dignity to keep on living anymore.”

“Will do,” Eren said—promised—as he threw a black leather jacket on top of his white shirt. “I’ll be back in two hours,” he informed his aunt. “We’re just gonna study in my room after that.”

“Studying each other’s bodies?” Zeke uttered with jealousy coating his tongue. “Gross.”

“Statistics, actually.” Eren planted a small peck on Dina's cheek. “See you, Aunt Dina.”

“Bye, love,” Dina chuckled, seemingly proud that her nephew—one that she regarded as her own child, unlike the other one—was old enough to bring a pretty girl home with him. “Make sure to bring her something. Us girls love gifts.”

“Okay.”

“And buy some condoms on your way home.”

Eren nearly tripped over his feet. “I-it’s not like that!”

Zeke was lying flat on the floor at this point, like a stabbed victim on a crime scene, only in his case, the knife was invisible and he was bleeding tears from his eyes. “When can I get myself some bonkhonagahoogs…”

“Please kick him out before I get home,” Eren said.

“Trust me, darling,” Dina sighed. “I've been trying to do that since day one.”

“Guys, I’m literally right here.”

“Shut up, Zeke.”

***

Eren is just as jittery as he was during his first date with you, only this time, it’s ten times worse as he keeps thinking about Spider-Girl no matter how much he tries not to. The guilt he felt over the kiss sticks permanently in his mind, and it feels like he just committed adultery with a church elder or something when he isn’t even in a relationship with you—any version of you. But even so, he tries to stick close to his plan. He has promised to spend some time studying for finals with you, and he intends to give his full attention to you and no one else. Since he’d brought you a bouquet yesterday, he decided to buy you homemade chocolate truffles from this cute candy store downtown, one that Dina claimed to be the best one in the world. 

He arrives two hours early at your ballet studio, feeling so nervous to see you again that he feels like the whole world is spinning too fast before him. He’s waiting outside in the parking lot, leaning against Zeke’s all-black Royal Enfield Classic 350 with his phone in one hand and his head on the clouds.

What am I going to say to her? Can I even act normally around her? What if she—

“Eren.”

“Fuck!” The boy jumps on his feet, almost losing his grip on his phone from how startled he is. He spins his head around to the side, spotting you standing close with your gym bag slinging on one shoulder. His shock-filled eyes quickly traverse down your body, taking in the sight of you dressed casually in your fitted black tank top and white track jacket. “W-why are you not wearing your tutus?”

Out of all the things he could’ve said, of course, that’s the first thing that comes out of his mouth. “Because I’m still outside and my practice isn’t going to start for another ten minutes?” You reply with a hint of teasing in your voice. “You look handsome today, by the way. I always think you look hotter wearing a leather jacket instead of a hoodie. Not that I don’t like it, though. Hoodies make you look cute.”

This is an ambush, Eren thinks. You, casually throwing your compliment at him as if it’s nothing, feel like a fucking ambush to him. “I—Umm—You look—You look cute too.”

“Thank you,” you titter. “I can’t believe you arrived here before me.”

“Oh... Y-yeah.” It suddenly feels like it’s twenty degrees hotter for him. “I guess I was a little early.”

“As always,” you toss him a smile—the one that has the perfect amount of beauty and shyness that makes his heart swell in his chest. “You’re not planning to wait out here for two hours, are you?” When Eren has no answer to give, you chuckle. “Gosh, you are too cute. Come here.”

“Huh?” 

“You can wait inside.” It’s so natural the way you tangle your hand around his even when you can feel your own heart palpitating. “It’s warmer there.”

Eren, with his cheeks turning scarlet, follows after you. “Is—is it really okay?”

“Well, no. Usually, we don’t allow strangers to watch our rehearsals.”

“Then, why—”

“Relax, Ren.” You hurl a wink at him. “Petra—my instructor—is a close friend of my mother. I’ll just tell her you’re my boyfriend and she’ll make an exception for me.”

Three things left him dumbfounded. The first one is clearly the fact that you just called him your boyfriend. Second, it’s that naughty, naughty wink you threw at him, one that matches your cute little devilish grin. But none of those were as surprising as the way you called him with that nickname. 

Ren.

You’ve never called him that before, have you? But Spider-Girl called him Ren all the time, which is why to his ears, it sounds so familiar. The way you said it. The way your voice sounded when you did. Even if his mind tries to deny it, his heart still pounds. It feels so strange for this to just be a coincidence but you don’t give him a chance to think about it long.

“I’m gonna go change into my tutus, okay?” You tease him once you enter the studio, chuckling at your own words. “You can sit at the back. Try not to stare at the other girls as you wait.”

He knows he’s dumb but today he just feels ten times dumber and it shows. “W-why not?”

“Well, obviously, because you’re pretending to be my boyfriend today.” You reach out a hand to fix the collar of his jacket, watching him flinch at the way your fingers brush against his collarbone. “And also…” You look up at him, turning your voice into a breathy whisper as you feign a pout. “I don’t like seeing you look at other girls. I want you to look at me.” You take a hold of his key-shaped pendant, twisting your fingers around his necklace. “Only me.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. If there was steam coming out of his ears, Eren wouldn’t be surprised. He does feel like his face is about to explode. “I-I’ve only been looking at you.”

“You sure?” Your tongue peeks out to wet your lower lip and Eren swallows at the sight. “You seemed so… distracted last night. You weren't thinking about some other girl, were you?”

He’s staring at your lips. He’s definitely staring at your lips. Oh my God, her lips. “I—I didn't—I wasn’t—” He’s panicking. He’s already having a hard time trying to stay alive from your attack. You really didn’t need to bring back Spider-Girl into his head, but you did and that’s why you fit more as a supervillain instead of a hero.

Eren can practically taste the minty scent of your breath from how close you are when you grin at him. “I’m kidding,” you giggle, patting his cheek and giving him back his space. “You look like you’re about to pass out. You okay over there, big boy?”

“Yeah…” Just feeling like I’m having a cardiac arrest but I’m fine. “Good luck with your dancing—your practice. Break an arm.”

God, he’s an idiot, I love him. Refraining yourself from laughing, you stand on your toes and grant him a soft kiss on his cheek. “It’s break a leg, dummy,” you whisper in his ear, your smirk brushing against his earlobe. His face is practically in flames when you turn on your heels, tossing him one last smile before you disappear inside the changing room. 

The rehearsal starts on time and there you are, walking back into the studio dressed in pink seamed ballet tights, a black halter-neck leotard, and a pair of beige pointe shoes. Your outfit, the way the fabric hugs your body tightly, leaves no room for his imagination to wander. It’s so unfair that you look both adorable and effortlessly sexy at the same time. Eren doesn’t know whether he wants to say, “You’re so cute, I want to squeeze your cheeks!” or “You’re so hot, I wanna clap those cheeks.” He wants to do both, honestly, but he’ll need to rephrase that last line if he wants to be, ehem, respectful.

He can see your back muscles contracting as you perform, your skin glistening under the light, coated by a thin layer of sweat that somehow only makes you look more erotic. He hates the way his mind thinks, so he tries to focus on your movements instead. Every posture you strike is as graceful as it is beautiful and Eren has to remind himself to blink before his eyes fall out of his sockets from staring too long.

You try to concentrate as much as you can on the instructions Petra gives you but every time you see your reflection in the mirror, you also notice the way his eyes are entranced with every gesture you make. He’s staring at you like you’re the only girl in the room—the only girl in the world, even. As much as it pleases you to be the center of his attention, it’s also harder for you to focus on your steps. You just can’t wait for your practice to end.

Eren is so captivated by everything you do, and if he had brought his camera with him, he would’ve taken every bit of your expression. He wishes he could record everything. The way your body moves… Even the slightest lift of your finger is fascinating to him. At this moment, all thoughts about Spider-Girl vanish away from his mind. It feels like he’s falling for you all over again, his heart throbbing like on that day when he saw you on campus for the first time. You’re so pretty. So, so pretty that you leave him breathless.

“Hey,” you greet him again once your rehearsal has ended. “Sorry you had to wait long.” You’re dabbing a towel against the side of your face, gathering your belongings in your arms as the other students are making their way to the changing room without you. “I’m all sweaty so I’m just gonna go take a shower real quick. Is that okay?”

Eren can see a bead of sweat running down the side of your face, disappearing right between your cleavage. It’s the most pornographic thing he’s ever seen and this comes from the man who spent the whole summer watching questionable porn clips with Armin. It also doesn’t help that Zeke’s face keeps appearing in his mind, whispering to him, “Bro, look at those badonkers,” and no, Eren doesn’t want to look at your badonk—breasts. It’s very inappropriate, and you deserve to be respected. 

Fucking monke. Eren is going to run him over for real after this.

“Eren? You okay there?”

He coughs once, trying to focus on your face instead of your, in Zeke’s words, dohoonkabhankoloos. “Yes, I—uhh… I’ll just go wait outside, okay?”

“Okay.”

You’re not sure what you’re expecting but when Eren walks away without saying anything about your performance, you feel a sliver of disappointment growing inside you. Keeping your thoughts to yourself, you tighten your grip around your bag and pivot on your heels.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Eren says, stopping you in your tracks. You turn around, facing him with a questioning brow. The boy smiles at you, doing it so beautifully, so delicately, so lovingly that you feel like you can fight the whole world just to protect that smile. “You look so beautiful when you dance,” he says, his eyes gleaming in the adoration he holds for you. “So graceful, you’re like, uhh… Like an angel.”

It’s corny. It’s corny and cliche, and embarrassing, and you love it. If anyone else had said it, it would’ve sounded like the cringiest pick-up line, but not him. Eren said it like a confession as if he truly felt that way and he had to tell you the truth no matter what. He doesn’t intend to sound corny, of course, but what can he do? You did look like an angel in his head. But now that he’s hearing the words out loud, he can’t help but feel mortified by them. “S-sorry,” he blushes. “I didn’t mean to sound so… lame.” 

“No, it’s fine.” You could feel a pleasant warmth pooling inside your stomach. “Thank you.” You smile back at him, a bit timidly but as beautiful as always. “Will you… come and watch my recital next time? It’s not until three months from now, but—”

“Of course!” His eyes light up in excitement, his voice loud enough to make three people turn their heads at the sound. “Of course, I would love to! Can I bring my camera with me?”

You almost laugh. He reminds you of that little Siberian husky he owns, the way she looked so excited as she ran down the street, chasing a hummingbird. “Yes. Yes, you can.”

***

There are a lot of things Eren is grateful for in his life. He’s thankful that he has his Aunt Dina taking care of him and his brother after his parents passed away. He’s thankful that he has Zeke, no matter how obnoxious he is, for always lending him his credit card whenever Eren is in desperate need of money (involuntarily, true, but let’s not get into details). He’s thankful that he has Armin in his life to knock some sense back into him, both literally and figuratively speaking. And of course, he’s thankful that he met you—every version of you, though he hasn't noticed yet. But today… Today he doesn’t direct his gratitude to his Lord. Today, he wants to thank whoever it was who decided that motorcycles should have these super cramped seats because holy shit, they’re doing God’s work.

“I’m sorry for holding onto you like this,” you say with your hands tangled around his waist, a little bit embarrassed with how close you are to him. The motorcycle itself is designed to be a two-seater, but apparently, comfort for the pillion has not been a priority—which is a good thing for Eren because you don’t have other options left but to have your front all squeezed against his spine to fit in.

“Umm…” Eren swallows and he swallows hard. You’re wearing his leather jacket above your clothes and yet he can still feel the way your breasts—oh my God, they’re so soft—are pressed against his back. Maintaining his eyes on the road, he tries to focus on his surroundings as best as he can. “I-it’s okay.”

“Are you sure you’re not cold? You can take back your jacket if you want. I can just use mine.”

“No, it’s fine. Yours is too thin.” He refrains himself from sniffling because damn it, it is cold. He should’ve thought of bringing a spare jacket for you, but no, of course, being the idiot that he was, he didn’t. “Don’t worry about it. My house isn’t far from here.”

“Okay.” Despite his reassurance, you still have your eyebrows knitted in concern as you can still feel him shivering from the cold. As a way to warm him up—which is only an excuse for you to touch him even more, and to continue with your diabolical plan—you embrace him from behind, tightening your arms around him just a little bit harder. 

Fuck, Eren thinks, face flushed. You’re plastered against him like a conjoined twin and he can feel your warmth seeping through his shirt. It’s a wonder that he’s still able to maintain his grip on his vehicle. “W-what are you doing?”

“Umm… Making you feel warm?” You reply sheepishly which drives him insane. You’re already so beautiful and sexy in his head, now you get to be so innocently adorable too?

Eren only responds with a little "Oh..." because that’s the only thing his pea-brain can manage to form with all this blood rushing to his head. God, you wish you could steal a glimpse of his face. What kind of expression does he have right now? He must look so cute.

He’s dying, that’s how he looks. Probably about to combust into flames too. Why are they so sooooft, Eren wants to whine, feeling your chest pushed up against his back even more. Is this the kind of sweet torture people talk about? The kind that makes you feel like you’re both in heaven and hell at the same time? It certainly feels like one. 

“Sorry, Ren…” Noticing the way his body is tensing, you loosen up your hold. “Am I making you feel uncomfortable?” 

“No!” Eren takes off his left hand from the steering wheel and snatches yours back before you can retrieve it. He keeps it in place, pressing your splayed fingers tight against his stomach until you can feel the shape of his abdomens underneath the thin layer of his white shirt.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” he says, his voice subdued by the wind. You fail to notice the way he stutters his words. “Hold on tight so you won’t fall."

When he’s only driving twenty miles per hour because of traffic ahead, even if you did fall, you would only get a scratch on your palm at most but neither of you cares. You both know it’s just an excuse anyway. "Okay."

"And also, uhh…” Eren is glad he has his helmet on to conceal his face. “It’s… warm. You, I mean. You're so warm.”

“I'm glad I am,” you giggle, winding your arm around him again, even going as far as resting your chin on his shoulder. Feeling a bit naughty, you lower your pitch, seduction ringing in his ears. “Kinda wish we were alone in your room right now,” you purr, your fingers hovering dangerously close above the hem of his jeans. “I know something else we can do to warm you up.”

That’s it. That’s the final string. Eren’s concentration breaks and he’s easily startled by the car driving past him on his right. Veering his vehicle immediately to the side, he nearly collides with the motorcycle on his left. 

“WATCH IT, JACKASS!”

“Sorry,” Eren mutters in chagrin, while you’re cackling like a witch behind him. From his bar-end mirror, you can see how he childishly pouts at your laughter. “Why are you laughing—that wasn’t funny!”

“It was a bit funny,” you sneer. “You panicked like a girl.”

“Well, you were saying some nasty things to me!”

“What nasty things?” 

“Y-you said you were going to do something else to warm me up.” 

“Yes, I was speaking about making some hot chocolate for you. What were you thinking about?”

He opens his mouth, closes it, and repeats these two actions three times more before he gives up and grouses, “Oh, shut up.” Eren spends the rest of his drive pretending to be upset about it, even when you can tell he’s having the hardest time masking his smile. He can’t do it for long since your giggle is infectious. 

“You seem happy,” he comments, mirroring the joy on your face. 

“That’s because I am,” you reply, snuggling close. “I feel like I’m the happiest when I’m with you.”

Oh, for fuck's sake. “Don’t make me crash our bike into another car, I swear to God—” 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!”

When the laughter has receded, Eren shares stories about Dina and Zeke, the two family members he loves dearly—well, he loves Dina, Zeke can go to hell (affectionately)—and how they are very excited to meet you today. But the second you arrive at his house, no one comes to answer the door.

“Weird,” Eren mutters as he walks past the entrance, dropping the keys on the counter. “I thought they’d be—” He stops short when he notices a piece of paper lying on the coffee table. With a frown, he picks it up and runs his eyes across Dina’s neat handwriting.

Zeke and I are going shopping to give you kids some time alone. We’ll eat outside too so we won’t be back until nine. Remember to use protection ;) - Love, Dina.

Eren, too busy trying to understand what the fuck is going on, doesn’t notice the way you’re standing on your toes, trying to steal a peek at the paper from behind his shoulder. Unlike him who needs a whole minute to process her words, it only takes two seconds for you to finish reading the whole thing. 

Eren shrieks at your presence, crumples the paper with both hands, tosses it inside the trash bin, and hopes the whole thing gets swallowed by hellfire. “You—You didn’t read that, did you?” It feels like he has his heart throbbing in his throat.

“Read what?” You play dumb, even tilting your head to the side for a cute, dramatic effect.

“Nothing,” he says, and when you arch your eyebrow at him, he spins you around, placing both hands on your shoulder as he guides you down the hallway. “Let’s just go to my room. Go, go, go, go, go.”

“Wait.” You stop him with one hand in the air, putting on your best solemn face. “Have you brought protection with you?”

“OH MY GOD, GO!”

***

Things aren’t going as smoothly as Eren had planned. Actually, nothing went as planned. For all he knew, all he had been doing was just turning red like a fucking tomato for the whole two hours he had spent with you, and you teasing the shit out of him. And it doesn’t seem like you’re going to stop anytime soon!

Is she planning to kill me? He sighs as he opens the door that leads to his bedroom, welcoming you in. She wasn’t like this yesterday. Now, don’t get him wrong. Eren loves how aggressive you’re being—he hasn’t unlocked his kink yet, but he’s secretly a sub who longs to be dominated by his women, both in bed and in real life—but with how smooth you’re going right now, constantly flirting with him as if it would kill you if you didn’t make him blush every ten minutes, this is getting so bad for his heart.

And it doesn’t help that he’s now alone with you in an empty house for the next—he takes a glimpse at his phone screen to check on the time—three hours and twelve minutes. His thoughts are going insane. From Dina’s message to the image of you in your skin-tight leotard, and of course, the way you embraced him on the ride home too. You’ve been giving him signs that you like him. You’re more honest and blatant compared to how you behaved during your date, and as much as he is certain that Spider-Girl is the woman he’s in love with, he can’t deny that he has feelings for you too. And the way you’re looking at him right now, sitting on the edge of his bed in your cute little red dress and your cute little matching headband with your smile never faltering away from your lips—everything about you right now is so… titillating.

“You’re such a dirty boy,” you smirk.

Eren nearly collapses. “W-what?” What the hell is happening? She can hear my thoughts now? WHAT IS GOING ON?! “What do you—I’m not—I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I said you’re a dirty boy.” Your salacious smirk turns into a mischievous grin. “As in your room is a mess.”

“Oh!” He laughs once in relief, his hand coming up to wipe cold sweat off his forehead. “Oh, you were talking about my room, thank God.” Wait. He panics again, eyes moving back and forth from one corner to another, scanning his room. He’s sure that he’s cleaned up everything he could this morning, and by cleaning up, he means picking everything off the floor, jamming them inside his closet, and pretending that they don’t exist. Everything seems to be in order. There are no clutters on his computer desk. No laundry on the floor. Sure, the books on his shelf are in disarray, but at least they’re not too dusty. “It looks clean to me, though.”

“On the outside, sure,” you titter. “But your wardrobe looks like it’s seconds away from exploding. I don’t need to take a peek inside to know that you have dirty clothes and questionable things stored there.”

“I don’t have… q-questionable things,” Eren says very unconvincingly. Poor boy can’t lie to save his life. Unable to stand the way you narrow your eyes suspiciously at him, he sighs in defeat, “Well, it depends on how you define questionable.”

“Playboy magazines?”

“Nope.” Why should I buy one when I can just see naked girls for free on PornHub?

“Erotic novels?”

“No.” Ha ha, too bad. You were close, though, cause instead of erotic novels, I read—

“Erotic mangas, then?”

Fuck. “N-no,” he coughs out.

You wait for him, watching him with the nastiest grin you could muster until he gives up on his lies. “All right, all right, you got me,” Eren says, rolling his eyes. “I have some hentai mangas hidden in my closet. Happy now?”

“Immensely,” you chirp back and whatever it is you’re doing, it’s working well because Eren feels like he can breathe properly again. 

Now that the tension isn’t as suffocating, you both settle down on the carpeted floor, your backside leaning against the side rail of his bed. You have your textbook perched on your lap, a pen between your fingers as you teach him about univariate and bivariate transformations. Eren wears a pair of eyeglasses when he studies, and you hate whoever invented those black frames for making him look more attractive than he already is as if his little man-bun wasn’t strong enough to emphasize that. 

An hour passes by in a flash and Eren asks for a ten-minute break. You follow him to the kitchen, watching him make two cups of hot chocolate while casually throwing back some of your earlier teasings. It feels so domestic—the playful banter you throw, the way you share smiles and giggles while you both sit on the kitchen aisle with your legs dangling in the air. And while you secretly fantasize about spending every morning with him like this, Eren is constantly reminded of the time he spent with Spider-Girl.

Why does this feel so familiar? He ponders. Is your personality similar to hers? Is it the way you talk? Or is it because he unconsciously starts projecting Spider-Girl on you? Because he can’t stop thinking about her even when he’s trying his best to focus on you today? He grows restless at the thoughts. Because if that’s the case, then what’s the point of doing this? It’s clear that he’s still searching for Spider-Girl everywhere he goes. Even when he’s seeing you, he still thinks about her. He was sure he managed to forget about her earlier today, but the more he grows comfortable with you, and the more you show your true personality to him, the more he sees Spider-Girl in you.

When you return to his bedroom with him trailing after you, you notice a little box sliding out of his bag. Eren follows your gaze, mumbling, “Oh, shit, I forgot,” under his breath before he snatches it away. “I bought something for you earlier today,” he says, taking a seat on the edge of his bed with you settling down right next to him. “I wanted to give this to you back when we were at the studio but…” He smiles a little bit sheepishly as he hands it over to you. “I got, uhh… distracted.”

The way he said his words, it was clear that you were his distraction. “Thank you,” you reply, your fingers playing with the little red bow that ties the package together. “You’re always so thoughtful. I wanted to give you something too, actually, but I couldn’t get it done on time. It’s going to take a little while before I can finish it.”

“Oh?” His whole face brightens at once, seemingly giddy at the thought, as it would be the first time he’ll receive a handmade gift from the opposite sex. “You’re making something for me?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise.” Your coquettish smile quickly becomes one of his favorite things in the world. “For now,” you land a hand on his shoulder, leaning up to brush your lips lightly against his cheek. The kiss is light and chaste, and yet, Eren turns rigid, his heartbeat roaring in his ears. You break away with a bashful smile painting your lips. “I hope that’s okay?”

“Umm…” He mumbles out, unfocused. “Yeah…”

The moment is there. The same atmosphere, the same tension that you felt when you were about to part ways at the end of your date has returned, ten times thicker than before. You maintain your gaze on his face, while Eren learns the texture of your lips with his eyes. They seem so soft, so inviting and he wants it. He wants to know how it would feel like to have your mouths pressed against one another but at the same time…

He’s conflicted again, you think to yourself, and if you’re not careful, your devilish smirk will rise to the surface again. It’s such a fun game watching him like this. You can almost literally see the way he’s battling against himself. On one side, he wants to kiss the bejeezus out of you, while on the other hand, he wants to push you away and say, “Girl, you’re making my jeans tighter than ever but this heart only belongs to one woman, and as long as you’re not dressed in white spandex, you’re not her.”

The evil that you are, you plan to make it even more interesting. “Kiss me.”

Somewhere at the back of his head, a nuclear bomb explodes, killing half of his brain cells at once. “W-what?” Eren croaks out, sounding like he hasn’t spoken in years. 

You lean closer, your breath fanning his lips. God, your perfume, the scent of your breath—you smell so fucking wonderful. Sliding a hand up his chest, fingers gliding smoothly against the fabric of his shirt, you whisper again, “I want you to kiss me, Ren.”

“I—mmph—” His eyes close in reflex the moment your lips touch his, his eyebrows sewn together in the middle. You frame his cheek, bringing him closer to you than ever. For a moment, he succumbs, his fingers fisting the sheets underneath him. You press your body against him, and he wonders if you can feel his heartbeat reverberating on your skin. He lets out this cute little whine when he feels you parting his lips with yours, but the second he feels the tip of your tongue touching his, his body flinches and Eren breaks away.

“S-sorry.” He stands up abruptly from the bed, one hand shooting up to cover the bottom half of his face. His blush creeps up from his neck to the tip of his ears. He seems breathless, panicking out of his mind.

Your lips are just itching to exhibit a wicked grin but you pretend to be confused. “Is there something wrong?”

“I—I can’t—” He’s looking anywhere but your face, jittery hands moving animatedly as he speaks. “You and me—we can’t—I can’t do this with you—Not right now—Not when I’m—I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Poor Rennie looks like he’s having a heart attack. “You can’t?” You’ve never taken any acting classes before, but you’re sure as hell this performance you’re doing right now deserves an Oscar's Best Actress nomination. Guess binging Euphoria all weekend has some perks after all. “But…” You perceive him with glassy doe eyes. “I thought you liked me…”

“I did!” He shouts out the words like it physically pains him to say them out loud. He’s losing his mind and it’s hilarious. “I did…” Eren goes down to his knees before you, his hands reaching out to take yours before he settles them on your lap. They’re sweating, and so cold. “I really liked you but…”

You start to feel bad but the sadistic villain inside you wants to see more so you just fake a sob. “But now… You don’t like me anymore…”

“Oh, God.” You, brushing your nonexistent tears with your fingers right now, are his kryptonite. “Please don't cry. No—no, it’s not like that! I like you!” he shouts, his eyes shaking as he peers into yours. “Jesus, I think I even loved you at some point and maybe I still do, I don’t know—I don’t understand my feelings right now, I just—”

“It's okay,” you say, trying to calm him down. You're a bit worried now because if this guy ends up passing out, that’s going to be your fault. “It’s all right, Ren… I know what you’re saying…”

He pauses to take a deep breath. When he speaks again, he no longer sounds as squeaky as before. “Listen to me,” he squeezes your hand, and even if his fingers are still trembling, they’re doing their best to comfort you. “I really, really do like you. Honestly? I was so obsessed with you before. I stalked you like a pervert. I took pictures of you when you weren’t looking. I've had your photo as my wallpaper for God knows how long. My video journals—”

Are all about me, you echo the words in your head as he speaks the same thing. Oh my God, he’s freaking out so bad, he’s telling every bit of his secret now. So cute. 

“I did all those things because I liked you and you should hate me for it—”

“I’ll never hate you, Ren. I want to be with you.”

You’re killing him. You can tell you’re killing him inside. “And you don’t know how much those words mean to me but the truth is, I’m—” He hesitates, still contemplating whether he should say the words out loud. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but if he continues doing this, letting his desire overtake him once again, he’s only going to hurt you even more. He needs to make a decision. “I’m in love with someone else.”

You fake a gasp, even going as far as covering your mouth with both hands. “Y-you are?”

“Yes…” He answers in dismay. “I know maybe I should give myself some time to figure this out but I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to make you wait for me. I don’t want to make you feel confused. And I know it would be easier to love you instead of her—I don’t even know how she feels about me but… I can’t. I can’t deny that I’m in love with her. And it’s not fair if I keep doing this with you when I keep thinking about someone else. I don’t want to be that kind of person.”

He’s kind. Eren is always kind. He could’ve just dated you both if he wanted to, but he didn’t. “I see,” you solemnly respond. “Can you… tell me who you’re in love with?”

He nibbles on his lip, looking down when he says, “S-Spider-Girl.”

FUCK, YES! In your mind, you’re punching the air in triumph with Cardi B and DJ Khaleed throwing a party in the background, celebrating your victory. But if you take a look at the situation, how fucking ridiculous is this? Imagine if Spider-Girl wasn’t your alter ego. It would be like you confessing to that delusional nerd Armin, only to be rejected by him saying he’s in love with a random cosplayer whose real name he didn’t even know. Well, with Armin, it’s still a plausible thought. Ridiculous, sure, but plausible.

“I see…” You land a hand above your heart, pretending like it’s breaking when you’re really trying your best not to cackle like a madman. “Oh, gosh… I don’t know what to say… This is such shocking news to me.”

Colors drain from his face. “I’m sorry.” He looks like he’s the one who’s having his heart shredded apart. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. I’m sorry for leading you on. I should’ve told you last night. You are such an attractive woman. You’re beautiful. You’re brilliant and you’re so kind and—”

Oh my God, he’s consoling me now. It’s getting harder and harder not to guffaw at his face. "Ren—"

“—I’m sure there are a lot of guys out there who would love to date you,” Eren says, his eyes drooping in sadness. “And I know this is a selfish thought but I hope we can… still be friends?”

God, you better be grateful I’m Spider-Girl ‘cause this feels like a terrible break-up movie and I’m livid. “We can,” you nod. “But only if you do something for me.”

Eren blinks, his eyes turning hopeful. “Yes, anything. Anything you want, I’ll do it.”

“Okay, then, sit down on the floor.” With a confused frown, he follows without a word. “Lean back.” You give two light taps on the railing of his bed and he rests his backside against it. “Good, now close your eyes. Don’t open them until I say so.”

“Umm… Okay…” 

“Promise me that.”

“I promise.” His furrow turns deeper when he senses you crawling up his bed. You position yourself behind him, lying down on your stomach with your elbows propping the upper part of your body. 

You lean close, whispering breathily in his ear, imitating the words he once said to you on the night he kissed you. “Can I try something I’ve never done before?”

He shivers. The way your voice echoes through his mind sends his mind reeling. “Y-yes…” It sounds more like a question and you almost laugh. He’s beyond nervous. 

Your hand slithers down his cheek before you hook your fingers on the underside of his jaw. You lift his face. His gaze would’ve lingered on the ceiling if he had his eyes opened but Eren keeps them pressed shut. Your touch feels burning on his skin. “W-what are you doing?” he stutters out as you take off his glasses.

“Telling you my biggest secret,” you murmur, leaning closer until you have your face hovering above his. He can almost feel your every word on his skin. “Do you trust me?”

“I—” He noticeably gulps. “I do.”

With an elfin smile, you lower your head. Eren softly gasps when your lips are connected. You’re kissing him upside-down, similar to the kiss he shared with Spider-Girl. You try to replicate the way he kissed you that night, starting out slow, giving him a light, innocent kiss. There’s no pressure on your lips, nothing to distract him away from how soft they feel against his. This is that kiss—your first kiss together.

And Eren remembers it. His body, his lips, his heart remember it.

A few seconds are spent with Eren holding his breath and when you pull away, whispering, “Look at me,” he slowly opens his eyes but they stay half-lidded, completely dazed. 

You stroke his cheek, your smile is an everlasting beauty. 

“I’m in love with you too, Rennie.” 

Your confession certainly comes as a shock, but it’s not as much as the way you called his name. Eren has his heartbeat ringing clamorously in his ears, his eyes widening at the pet name you gave him back when you were nine-year-old. His flashback hits him at once and it strikes him like thunder. He has never told anyone else about the little girl he met in the hospital except for Spider-Girl, and even then, he didn’t tell you that she used to call him Rennie. So how the fuck can you tell? 

Eren turns around, almost knocking his head against the railing as he does. “Wait—” He rises to his feet, both hands stretched out forward. He is mortified beyond belief. So embarrassed, that he wishes he can light himself on fire so he doesn’t have to deal with whatever the fuck that’s going on. This can’t be—she can’t be—

He catches you grinning at him no matter how much you try to hold yourself back. “Calm down, Rennie.”

“No, don’t call—” Oh my God, I can’t breathe—This isn’t happening right now—She—

You’re laughing—great, now you’re laughing—interrupting his thoughts and sending him even further down this endless hole of shame. “So, I’m your first love, huh? Been crushing on me ever since we were nine? Damn, didn’t know you were such a simp for me, Tarantula Boy.”

“No. No, no, no, no, no.” He only has one color on his face: red. “You can’t do this to me—”

“And you jerked off to my pictures?” You playfully scold him, stepping down from the bed and making your way to his spot. “Can’t say I’m pleased with that. Also, I can’t believe you kissed me right after our date ended. Not to mention, I had to save your ass again—”

Fuck, I can’t do this. Eren spins on his heels, literally trying to run away in shame as his brain turns into mush. He has one hand around the doorknob, ready to run and jump off the nearest bridge when you stretch out your arm and shoot out your web. Snaring him by his wrist, you pull him back toward you with a hard yank. With a startled yelp, Eren tumbles back, his body nearly crashes against yours but you catch him just in time. You flick the web off your wrist and tangle your arms around his neck. 

Standing on your toes, you press your body against his, meshing your lips together and laughing against his mouth in response to the muffled sounds of his protest. “Kill me,” he sighs against your mouth, followed by a strangled moan when you part your lips just to close them around his bottom one. “Just kill me now, please.”

“You sure about that?” You tease him, one hand sliding down his chest. “Cause I’d rather do something else if you ask me.” You nip on his lip, not being as gentle as before. 

Groaning in defeat, Eren frames your face with both hands. He decides to take control of the kiss as a way to make you feel just as flustered as he is now. He’s still awkward, his teeth almost knocking against yours but when his tongue slides inside, he manages to steal a gasp out of your mouth. 

You lean your entire weight on him, clawing against his chest as he winds his arm around your waist. “Easy, Tarantula Boy,” you giggle, still sounding mischievous albeit a little breathless.

“You’re evil.” Eren moves his lips to your jaw before he settles his head in the crook of your neck. “I can’t believe you played me like this. Is this the reason why you were being so aggressive today?”

“I’m sorry.” Your small laughter morphs into soft moans as his tongue slithers against yours again. Your fingers slip between his strands, your eyes closed in pleasure as you face the ceiling, giving him more access to nibble on the supple skin of your neck. “I didn’t mean to go this far, actually. I just wanted to tease you a little bit but—” Your sentence ends abruptly in a gasp when he seizes you by your waist and throws you down to the bed. His strength surprises you but the way he handles you so easily, losing almost all the tenderness in his touch, lights your stomach on fire. He crawls on top of you, pinning your hand down against the sheets before he smashes your lips together again. The sudden change in his attitude baffles you but you're quick to display your smirk again. “My, my, look who’s being so aggressive now.”

“Shut up,” he replies, face aflame, robbing you of the ability to speak. Eren kisses you deeply, almost frantically, demanding, plundering your mouth with his own, and you understand why. He doesn’t use his passion to cover his embarrassment, not like what you thought he was doing. He’s kissing you like this, like he owns you and you own him, because he’s been in love with three different people all this time, and all of them are now in his arms, in the shape of you. And, God, you are beautiful.

“Calm down,” you remind him again, sliding your fingers up and down his spine, effectively slowing down his pace. His bun is a mess, his strands falling all over the place, all designed by your eager hands. You play with the baby hair on his nape when he pulls away, your smile is too delicate to be real. “I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to rush.”

His heart hammers inside his chest and it’s beating so fast, it’s frightening, but Eren loves it. He’s always felt this way when he was with you—with any version of you—but now that he knows you’re all of them, his heart beats three times faster. “I don’t think I can do it.” He keeps his face close enough for the tip of your nose to brush against his when he whispers, “I’ve been in love with the same girl for twelve years and now you’re right here and I’m… I’m going insane.”

He’s adorable. So adorable. “Well then, maybe I feel the same way…” You untangle his hair tie with one hand, pushing back his hair behind his ear before you caress his cheek. “‘Cause I’m sure I’ve been in love with the same boy for twelve years too.”

He melts in your arms, weak with the surge of joy that suffuses his body. “It’s hard to believe that you’re Spider-Girl,” he breathes out, resting his temple above yours, closing his lids. He seems so blissful, so relieved at the revelation. “But at the same time, it feels so right. This is the perfect moment of my life, I feel like I’m gonna die.”

“Don’t die just yet,” you titter. “You haven’t loved me enough yet.”

He breaks away with a peal of laughter flowing past his lips. “I’m already going insane because of you and you still want me to love you harder than this?”

“If you can.”

“So demanding.” He jokingly rolls his eyes. “That little boy in the hospital.” He twines his fingers around your wrist, bringing your hand closer to his face. He speaks his next words with his lips brushing against the lines of your palm. “Have you always known it was me?”

“No…” You’re entranced, eyes turning a bit hazy at the way his long eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. He peppers soft kisses on your skin down to the veins that paint your inner wrist. “I only realized it was you when you told me that story.”

“That night on the rooftop?” His pout returns. “You should’ve told me then.”

“Well, yes, but then I wouldn’t get to have this much fun.” You toss him your signature Cheshire Cat grin. Eren throws you a playful snort before he dives back to taste your lips again. “Plus, I was too… embarrassed to say a word back then. I’ve always thought you looked familiar but I had no idea that you were that boy.” You hug him close, breathing right against his ear. “You grew up so handsomely, Rennie….”

He’s buzzing with joy, every part of him is. “You’re really trying to kill me right now, aren’t you?” Eren tickles your side, making you laugh hard enough for his neighbors to hear. He takes in everything, the crinkles in your eyes, the way you have your mouth opened wide, and that adorable laughter you emit–he loves it all. “This is how I always imagined you to look underneath that mask when you laughed,” he confesses, settling himself between your legs. 

You play with his necklace, fingers hooking around his silver chain. “Are you disappointed that I’m not as feminine as I usually behave on campus?”

“Are you kidding? I love you more like this.” Your heart thrashes wildly, no matter how hard you tell it to stay put. Eren props his elbows on the bed, trapping you between his arms. He gently swats the bangs out of your eyes, taking his time to examine your every feature, using the chance to commit every part of you into memory. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on but it’s Spider-Girl whom I’m in love with, and I never cared about her looks. I care about the way she comforts me with her words.” He presses a gentle kiss on the center of your temple, stunning you with intimacy. “I care about the way she cares about me.” He drags his lips to your cheek, lips as light as feathers. “How she gets upset on my behalf when I blame myself for something that isn’t my fault.”

“Yeah, you do that a lot, it’s annoying,” you giggle and you can feel his smile growing on your skin. “What else do you care about?”

“I care about the way she uses sarcasm as her weapon.” His lips are now closing around your earlobe, letting you know the shape of his smirk as he speaks. "And how she gets snarkier when she's embarrassed, not knowing what to do when she receives a compliment."

You flinch, a little bit sensitive in that area. Especially when he sounds breathier like this, huskier as if he just woke up from his dream. “I thought I was irritating.” 

“Sometimes, sure.” But in his next lines, he abandons all the mirth in his voice, and he speaks sincerely from the bottom of his heart. “I'm kidding. I just find you endearing. I care about how you always pretend to be strong when you’re actually scared.” He grants a soft kiss on your nose, breaking away to look you in the eyes as he strokes your hair. “I care about how you seem like you don’t need anybody else in your life, when the truth is, you’re always searching for someone to be there for you. Just like everyone else, you’re scared of being alone.”

Your gaze softens, your stomach somersaulting at his words. “I can never lie to you, can I?” Your voice is not louder than a whisper, your lips only a breath away. “Ever since we were kids, you always knew what to say to me. You understood me more than anyone else.” It’s such a wonderful feeling to be with someone you can truly open yourself to. No secrets. No lies. No sweet nothings. No boundaries. “I wish we had never grown apart during those years. I would’ve loved to spend every moment with you. Growing up together. Being your best friend and making out with you on our school’s rooftop during lunch breaks.” You brush two of your fingertips against his lips, tracing the pretty shape of his mouth as he chuckles. “Maybe I could even give you that radioactive spider that bit me so you could be my sidekick and we could fight crimes together.”

“Your sidekick?”

“It’s kind of a package deal. Plus, I have better social skills. You're not ready to be a superhero, trust me."

"And why not?"

"'Cause even if you were able to kick some ass, you’d never win against your true enemy.”

“Which is?”

“The press. And Tony Stark ‘cause he’d just bully you like crazy without me.”

He just can’t seem to stop grinning when he’s with you. “Well, it’s not too late to start. I'm sure there's some radioactive spiders somewhere.” He gently bites on the tip, rolling your finger between his teeth. “Can you find me a tarantula, though? Spiders are a little bit overrated.”

“Of course, baby. Whatever you want.” 

Eren smiles, bestowing another kiss and letting himself drown in your taste for a minute before he pulls away with a pout. “You said you could never lie to me,” he mutters. “But you’ve been lying to me about your identity for three months.”

“Oh my God,” you groan, throwing your head back. “Stop being so butthurt about it. I said I’m sorry.”

He chortles, gathering your face in his hand again. “You’re so annoying.” He pecks your lips. “But I love you.”

“You’re such an idiot.” You pull him for another kiss, separating your lips to welcome him inside. “But I love you.”

Your kisses seem never-ending, and none of you complains about it. It’s so addicting, so exciting to have his taste lingering in your mouth, to feel the flick of his tongue against yours. Eren may be an inexperienced kisser, but he learns fast. By the time he regains confidence, it’s easy for him to steal your breath away, leaving you all dazed and needy for more.

You have your body squeezed against his, your heels hooked behind his waist, but you’re left feeling unsatisfied as you still have layers of clothing separating your skin from his. “Can I do something I’ve never done before?” you ask him with a cheeky grin.

Eren, who was suckling on your neck a second ago, elevates his face just to give you a flat stare. “Can you stop embarrassing me for one second?” 

“What, I can’t speak English now?”

“You’re using my words!”

“Since when are those words your words—It’s basic English!” Laughing, you roll him to his back, position yourself above his lap and watch him gulp in anticipation. With a naughty smirk, you slip your hand underneath his shirt, your fingers tracing the ridges of his abdomens before you bunch up the fabric in one hand and push it up to his chest. “Wow…” The word accidentally slips out of your mouth as you stare shamelessly at him. “Jesus, when the heck did you work out?”

“S-shut up.” He pushes down his shirt, hiding as much skin as he can from your hungry eyes while blushing like the virgin that he is.

Well, actually, you’re a virgin too, but at least, you act like a pro. “Why are you covering—let me see your abs!”

“No!”

“Wha—” You’re trying to pry his hands away. He’s pretty strong, and you don’t want to use your superhuman strength to pin him down just so you can marvel at his stomach (you won’t stoop that low).

“Stop trying to undress me, woman!”

You know what, if he keeps fighting you back like this, you might as well tie him up with your web. “Rennie, come on, just give me a peek!” Did you sound desperate? Yes. Are you desperate? Yes, times a thousand. “I’m your girlfriend, you know!”

“You literally just became my girlfriend like seven minutes ago!” He’s struggling just as much, keeping the hem of his shirt as low as possible. “Also, being my girlfriend doesn’t mean you can do whatever you like with my body! Ask me for my consent first!”

You see, he’s right. He’s totally right, but— “Babe, I can literally feel your dick poking against my thigh right now.”

“Y-yeah, but still…” Aaaaand he's blushing. 

“Huh. Cute. Now let’s get back to the game, darling.” You grab the hem of his shirt and— 

“No, wait! I’m not mentally ready and we're—” Eren gasps loudly—almost too dramatically—in both horror and surprise when you shoot two lumps of your web, snaring his wrists and keeping them glued on the bed right on each side of his head. He turns to face you again, his jaw dropping low when he speaks, “Did you just use your web on me?”

You did. Holy shit, you did. What happened to not stooping that low? “I-I’m sorry.”

“Just to see my abs.”

You palm your face, your cheeks blazing hot. “I’ll let you out—”

“You know Peter Parker wouldn’t do this to MJ, right?”

You sigh. You kinda wish you were bitten by a radioactive bunny so you could dig really fast and bury your whole existence inside a hole. “Well, I mean, I wouldn’t know–”

“Steve Rogers would judge you so hard right now.”

“Steve’s actually a kinky bitch. I’m sure he likes it. Look, just calm down,” you tell him, settling yourself on his lap while trying your best to ignore the way his cock is twitching in his pants at the sensation of your weight pressing against him. “I won’t do anything to you without your permission, all right? I'll act like a gentleman. A gentlewoman, if you must.”

“Oh, am I your lady now?”

“You’re acting like one right now, aren’t you?”

“Oh, shut up.” He yanks on his wrist, trying to break free but your web is unyielding. “Can you get this off of me? This looks ridiculous!”

No, it doesn’t. This looks kinky as fuck. Never have you imagined that you’d be using your superhero ability to tie up a handsome man on his own bed, but you learn something new every day, I guess. Trying not to stare so much at the way his biceps are flexing with every attempt he makes, you ask the most important question. “Are you nervous because you’re a virgin?”

“I’m not—” His face catches on fire. “I’m not nervous, I’m just—okay, yeah, I’m nervous.”

“Because you’re a virgin?”

“No,” is his first answer but then bashfully he corrects with, “Well, yeah, kinda. But I’m more nervous about the fact that you’re… not.”

“Not what?”

“A virgin.” He tucks his chin, his voice muted. “I just… I don’t want to disappoint you.” Because Eren knows that you’ve dated several popular guys on campus in the past. Porco Galliard, Colt Grice, even that notorious bad boy, Floch Forster at some point. How can he compete with that? He wants to have sex with you—God, he wants nothing more than to get his dick wet with the girl he’s been in love with for twelve years—but what if you’re not satisfied with him? What if he sucks (no pun intended)? What if he’s supposed to suck but he can’t suck properly? Like sucking on your tits, for example. What if he can’t suck them right? What if—

“I’m a virgin, though,” you say.

“Okay, you can do whatever you want with me. I’m ready.” 

That’s it. That’s all it takes for you to get his consent. The next thing you know, Eren has his shirt bunched up around his chest, your fingers splayed and pressed flat against his stomach. “Damn,” you murmur under your breath, eyes transfixed on the way his muscles tighten underneath your palm. “If I had known you looked like this underneath that hoodie, I wouldn’t have wasted all these months keeping my identity a secret.”

His blush blossoms fast on his face, flinching when he feels your fingertips tracing the dip of his V-line. “I—I thought you were trying to keep your identity a secret to protect me.”

“Well, yeah, that too, but—” You brush your pads against his navel, feeling the little happy trail that disappears behind his jeans. He lets out this little sound, like a mix between a yelp, a whimper, and a moan, and it’s so fucking cute. “I think I’d be okay with you getting kidnapped once a week if I get to do this every day.”

“It feels so weird to have a hot girl talking about me like this, but okay.” Eren, despite how bizarre this conversation is getting, still has his focus on how to break himself free from your webbing. “Can you do something about this, please? It feels sticky on my skin.”

“No.”

“What do you mean 'no?' I can’t touch you if I’m like this!”

“Yes, that is the point, now shut up.” To Eren’s surprise, you casually yank your dress over your head, tossing it haphazardly on the floor and leaving you only in nice lacy lingerie that matches the shade of your lipstick.

“Fuck me,” he mutters under his breath, his gaze quickly shifting down to your chest. He gulps at the sight. “B-badonkers…”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, your tits—your breasts!” He stammers. “They’re—they’re perfect. Like, the shape of them and how they look so… so soft and…” He clears his throat, realizing just how much lame he’s being. “You know, like a really nice pair of natural, fully functional breasts.”

You scrunch up your nose at his words. “Are you going to be like this the whole time?” You reach one hand behind your back, unclasping your bra.

“I… hope not…” He’s staring with unblinking eyes, practically salivating at the sight of your breasts bouncing once as you position yourself better on his lap. Fuck, they really are perfect. “A-are you sure you’ve never done this before?”

“You mean sex? No.” You lean forward, crawling up his body until you have your face hovering above his again. “Why?”

“You just seem awfully calm and—” You leave him speechless for a good few seconds when you press your breasts against his chest. Eren whines, closing his eyes as he throws his head against the bed. “Fuck.” 

Your lips twitch up into a smirk. “Soft, aren’t they?”

“Like fucking marshmallows.” He dreamily sighs—almost sobbing, really. “Can I have your tits in my mouth, please?”

Perhaps sometime in the future, when you look back into this scene again, you’ll have the biggest cringe moment in your life because what the fuck is he asking but right now, everything just seems so hot, you don’t even care. “Yeah, but maybe later once I’m done with you.” You reward him with a kiss to distract him, stifling his protest. “To tell you the truth, I’ve gone to second base before but I’ve… never gone past that.”

“Oh… Why not?”

“Just didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do at that time,” you answer with a shrug. “I almost did it with Porco but… It felt like I was missing something so I stopped him at the last minute.”

There’s jealousy burning inside him, but the revelation also provides him some relief. “I see…”

You can sense it, the tiny hint of fury raging in his chest and you nuzzle the tip of your nose against his to soothe him down. “Are you jealous?”

“No.” 

He is. He so is. “Would you like it if I said I was waiting for the right person?” You slide down one finger from the middle of his chest to the dip of his belly button. “Waiting for you?”

“N-no.”

He would. He so would. “You’re cute.”

“Stop calling me cute—ah!” A moan is snatched away from the back of his throat the second you grind your hips against him. Even the slightest friction drives him insane and now he has you rubbing your clothed heat against his bulge. “Fuck, baby, that feels good.”

You recall the way he called you by that pet name on that night you shared your first kiss with him, and as pleasant as it was in your ears, this one feels a million times better. It’s laced with urgency, desperation, and need. “Can I take off your jeans?” You ask him, even when your fingers are already playing with his zipper. 

“Are you going to ask me questions the whole time?”

“You said you wanted me to ask for your consent.”

“Yeah, fuck that. Do whatever you want with me. I’m yours.”

You almost laugh. “Well then, don’t mind if I do,” you say, a moment before your lips meet in a frenzied kiss. Eren arches his back, wanting to close every inch of gap between your skins until he feels like you’re completely plastered against him. He can feel your hand sliding down his stomach, toying with the button of his jeans before you push them down to his mid-thighs, along with his briefs. With a sheepish smile, you maintain eye contact as you curl your fingers gently around his shaft.

“How does it feel, Rennie?” You keep your face close, loving his expression. “Feels good?”

His chest rises and falls with rapid breaths, his face scarlet and erotic. “Feels ama—”

Right at that exact moment, Zeke Jaeger comes bursting inside his room with a phone in his hand, recording everything as he shouts, “AHA! CAUGHT YOU GUYS IN 4K! I knew you wouldn’t be studying–” He freezes at the sight of you stroking his sibling’s cock, your naked breasts practically dangling over his face, and for a second, none of you make a sound.

And then, it’s chaos.

The three of you are screaming at the same time, with you quickly grabbing the nearest pillow to cover your front, completely forgetting to throw a blanket on your poor boyfriend who’s practically buck-naked on his bed. Eren, with his wrists still glued to the sheets, can only spout out incoherent words, while his brother, who’s so horrified at the sight of Eren’s cock, spasming and leaking in desperate need of attention, can only stand still, his brain unable to function. It’s only until Eren screams, “ZEKE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!” that he returns to his senses, whining out, “DINA, MY BROTHER IS FUCKING BEFORE ME!” as he runs back into the kitchen.

You hastily jump down from the bed, shutting the door and locking it up. “Use your web,” Eren says, “He has a spare key. He can still barge in anytime.”

“I think he saw us,” you utter in horror.

“Yeah.” 

“If I drop him off the building and make it look like an accident, do you think you’ll be okay with that?”

“Will I be okay with you killing my brother after seeing your boobs and catching me getting tied up to my bed and being dominated like a fucking masochist by my girlfriend?” Eren watches his cock wilting away. “Yes.”

“Well, not killing. I’m just gonna punch him hard enough to give him like a massive concussion or something.”

“No, no, no. Let’s just stick to murder. I like murder.”

***

AN: Hi, everyone! It took me a while but I finally got to finish this series. I wanted to write a small epilogue that will feature a funny scene where they get to lose their virginity to each other but since I'm pregnant with my second child now, I don't think I'll have the energy/time to do it, I'm sorry 😭😭😭 I hope you enjoyed the story despite how cringe this is (I'm never gonna do comedy again oh god what was I thinking). Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I'll see you next time!

Tagging:

@l6ffys @vivi-et @halparkebitch @fwess @littlemochi @thebeardedmoon @didiyogo @coyloves @erenbean @tehehebri @justasketch @infnteen @naiomiwinchester @spiderlingh @doyochii @ahornyenby @aengelren @sakurashell @princess-okkotsu @resonancesoul @blrqt @cacapeepee @persyhange @jaegersdiary @erentoes @trashygremlin04 @meed18 @j0livi0ni @snowflake-201 @eva-gates @claudevonstrukesblog @sofijaeger @rinsie @blanccofiie @ereninbunu @natanialora @khinjito @jaegeriess @watermelon-online @tropicsoda @damselofblueroses @alexackrman @bblgumz @jurrasicpork @erenjaegercult @holycandypizza

[luvtonique]

I suppose considering my last post I should address something.

I'm currently writing "Melodi," and "Foxen," and a lot of people have asked me if there will be "Representation" in those stories.

The answer is, "Not intentionally, no."

I do not write labels, I write characters. I'm sorry, I don't give a flying fuck about representation, I write characters that are important to the story and give them personalities that further the plot.

I love character interactions, I love when characters with heavily different personalities and opinions interact with one another and have disagreements, make stupid decisions, do things that the reader would never do (like "DON'T GO IN THERE" moments).

I also like world-building. I like imagining entire worlds where the governing bodies, the landscape, the whole society is completely different than Earth, especially since I feel very strongly that bringing real-world issues (especially political or ideological) into fictional media completely pulls the viewer out of the fiction.

A story about a fictional world shouldn't be a story about Earth.

Period. I will never change my opinion on that.

It's time to really lay things out here. People have asked me, "Will there be any trans characters in <Melodi/Foxen>?"

The answer is an absolutely resounding, "No. Trans people do not exist in those universes literally at all."

"WHOA, WHAT!? SO YOU'RE JUST ERASING TRANS PEOPLE!?"

No. I'm inventing a world where you can swap your sex by drinking a potion or casting a spell, thus meaning gender dysmorphia would not exist, because if you wanna be a girl you can just snap your fingers or drink a potion. That is not "Erasing Trans People," that is looking realistically at a fictional universe in which we are not born into a body we can't easily change out of.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this but the concept of gender, of culture, of race, of species, are all concepts that exist on Earth, and a fictional world is not required to have any of those things. At all.

Do black people exist in Melodi? Yeah, humans can have darker skin, a lot of them do. Are they a different culture? No. Do they act different? No. Do they look different? Other than the skin color, no. Do they wear their hair different? No.

All of these things are because "Humans" in Melodi's universe are a society obsessed with technology. Humans are the only species with no natural magical affinity, and therefore they put cybernetic bio-chips in their children that give them artificial magic affinity that slowly replaces their circulatory system as they grow up to make them able to cast spells. In Melodi's universe, humans are a society revolving around technological advancements, spellcrafting with their cool digital magic and they've developed kinks and fetishes for people with different cyber wiring patterns in their faces instead of like, "Freckles or no freckles"

There's no Africa or America in Melodi's universe so why would there be African Americans? There's just black humans, who act like all the other humans but have black skin, no cultural differences at all, no racism between them, none of that.

I hate to be the one to break this to all of you but fiction is not real, and as much as you wanna demand it, fiction has no implicit criteria to be realistic or relatable in any way.

And now we get to the elephant in the room, "But Jay, you've said in private that Melodi is a lesbian, isn't that lesbian representation?"

No, that's girls who are attracted to girls existing in a fantasy world where it's extremely possible and reasonable for a girl to sometimes, hear me out, be attracted to girls.

Where gender dysmorphia wouldn't exist because of the immediate ease of access of sex-swapping magics and potions, the same can't be said about a person's attractions. Yes, magic and potions do exist in Melodi's universe that change a person's sexuality, but people still have a sexuality by default.

And here's another elephant, "But Jay, what about racism? Does racism exist in Melodi?"

Yes. Very much so. Melodi takes place in a universe where the different races are fucking vastly different and have extreme cultural differences. EXTREME.

An example: The Feliki do not have familial bonds of any kind and will gladly sell their children to pay their bills. They treat their children, parents, siblings like invaders in their own homes, and will only keep them around if they're useful to the household.

Another example: The Lupos choose a person once a year to be their "Hunt Target" and tell the rest of the world that anyone who interferes with their hunt will be slaughtered, and will spend the year hunting down and murdering their target to have a ritual feast.

A prime example: The Bicci literally need to have sex to live, and when starved will literally sexually assault people out of desperation. This has lead to the Bicci being forced to have partners if they ever leave their city so that they can feed off each other, and they will be arrested and dragged back to their city if they're seen alone outside of it. Bicci are also commonly referred to as rapists by other races.

See, I'm very much of the opinion (and always will be) that fiction is not real, and the more that you demand fiction be real, the less you're demanding fiction and the more you're demanding reality.

The world Melodi is in is a very fucked up world.

You will likely not relate to the characters, you will not see a single transgender character, and you will not see any intentional plot points that relate to anything happening in a socio-political sphere in real life because I'm sorry, but that's not the story I'm writing.

I'm writing a story about a fucked up nightmare world, and in Foxen's case I'm writing a story about a family going on an adventure in a silly world with goats and foxes and magic and candy.

I do not write stories about real life.

I do not write my opinions into metaphors nor use my characters as soapbox puppets to convey my opinions on real-life social matters.

And you will not see intentional representation in my works.

That is final, and I will never, ever, ever change this fact about my works of fiction.

Thank you for reading, hope you're having a great day.

Luv you.

~Jay

[mormonbooks]

"Let's Call it a Doomsday" Review

5/5 stars!!! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This is the book I was searching for when I started this blog.

In so many ways, Ellis Kimball is me. Some of you have probably seen the quotes I've been sharing on my blog. Those are only snippets of the moments I felt deeply seen by Henry's narration of Ellis's thoughts.

I can't really talk about what I love about this book without some spoilers so, fair warning.

I never expected to find a story with a bisexual mormon teenage girl, dating an exmormon (also bisexual) guy. I never thought I'd read conversations I have had with people in my real life, repeated through the mouths of these characters. I never anticipated a book including that one ridiculously perfect and gorgeous Samoan Laurel President, and realize I guess I wasn't the only one with a girl like that in my ward.

and I adore that none of that was the focus. I love that Hannah and Ellis's connection was something complicated and intimate and that they needed each other, and that they weren't each other's love interests (despite Hannah being canonically a lesbian as Ellis is realizing that she's bi). The plot of the book took center stage in an intriguing and gripping way, while providing a perfect backdrop for Ellis's journey of self discovery (which includes understanding how to live with her anxiety, how to manage her intrusive thoughts, what belief and religion mean to her, and accepting that she is attracted to girls.)

It's so much all stuffed into one perfect package. I would love it if everyone read this book, because that would increase the number of people on earth who could understand me and my experiences. But I strongly urge at least every Queer Mormon to give it a go. It was exciting, fun, and healing.

Breakdown under the cut

1. Well written - 5 stars

I loved absolutely everything about this book. The internal narration of anxiety was gripping, the family dynamics were complicated and relateable, the main character went through a few overlapping character arcs and the were woven together so well. And every description of being a Mormon Teenage Girl was so accurate it felt like Henry had reached into my own mind and put my memories on the page.

2. Fun level - 5 stars

It's been a minute since a book made me want to stay up until 4am. This book did that multiple times. I laughed, I cheered, I cried.

3. Complex faith - 5 stars

This is exactly what I'm looking for in a mormon book! She's a member of the church and she talks about why she loves church, and she's scandalized by certain things, but she also is friends with people who smoke weed, and there's an exmormon who explains why he left and he is respected (and also respectful!) and Ellis questions things that she's been taught and redefines her faith for herself and it's all so wonderful and perfect.

4. Homophobia scale - 5 stars

SPOILERS The main character discovers that she IS a queer mormon. This is what I'm talking about. There is an explanation for how current policy is harmful to queer people. There is self-discovery and questioning, and acceptance. It's beautiful and wonderful. There are also other queer characters!

5. Mormon weird - 4 stars

This is a strictly realistic fiction book, but it doesn't shy away from the mormonness. There are multiple descriptions of church services, family home evening, belief about the afterlife etc. Tal talks about watching the temple videos on youtube (and Ellis is horrified). It's also all about a girl who is obsessed with emergency preparedness which is part of mormon culture, in a way.

6. Diversity of characters - 5 stars

We've got queer characters, we've got south americans, we've got asians, we've got jewish characters. In other words, a pretty accurate picture of the population of Berkeley, California.

7. Other problematic stuff - 5 stars

I have no complaints. Henry grappled with issues like mental health, homelessness, family trauma, belief, etc with lots of care, compassion, and nuance.

[starguardianniom]

Greetings fellow Billy Enjoyer~ I wanted to say that I love your long essays collecting the little bits and pieces of information we got on our Billy bOi :D

Majority of my friends play HSR or Genshin and my friends who do play ZZZ are usually guys who are more after the ladies (and Lycaon but I'm not surprised XD) so I don't usually get the chance to fan girl about my bOi Billy 😭

We are being fed literal CRUMBS about Billy and while I'm glad, I am starving 😭, though I am of the belief that Billy is much MUCH more important than what we are currently led to believe atm, which is why they are giving us crumbs and the occasional nugget of information as of the moment.

I hope to see more of your essays, as I also pray for more Billy fanfics XD

WHY THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! T_T <3 <3 <3

Well as a woman who is a lesbian but is bi toward fictional men (XD) I am of course in love with Billy. He single-handedly ended my previous obsession with Baldur's Gate 3 and I seriously have played non stop since august with ZZZ, though that now I have used everything for pulls I am left starving for trying to maybe get Caesar, and I hope to be so freaking lucky for when Miyabi will come.

Rest assured I will continue fangirling about Billy and will make it everyone else's problem on this site. XD

Honestly I find Lycaon just ok, like sorry but after meeting Billy like Lycaon seems to just not look as alive as Billy because Billy is so dynamic as a character that some just don't feel to have the same energy as him, and the guy is a robot yet he feels more human and alive than some people I know. Extra ironic about Lycaon I don't have him but I got his W-engine yesterday when trying to get Caesar so I'm like "but I don't even have you what the ehll do you want me to do with your w-engine???"

Yeah we are fed, also found more background on him while doing a commission in the Outer Ring yesterday, I'll post that later today once I'm back from work. ^^ I mean dude is a freaking android made of lost technology and it seems nobody cares, or well the ones that do are people looking to dismantle him or sell him or use him as a weapon.

I am still legit miffed that he doesn't have an Agent Story yet, maybe one day all agents will have one, hopefully, maybe.

Currently I am running after Caesar because she just casually drops info on Billy that I need so bad and either my character doesn't press further or seems to want to diss him and I'm banging my head on my wall to make the game stop insulting my boy. I legit wish now that I played as Wise instead of Belle a bit but on PS5 I tried everything and I can't switch to Wise when walking around, dunno if that comes later with the last part of Cheesetopia or if it's gonna be with Burnice.

Oh worry not essays and headcanons are coming, just that they take over an hour to write. XD But I don't have school or homework, just work because I'm 30 years old and said work doesn't requires me to bring anything work related back at home at all so I can just unwind and write my ramblings and observations and just me fangirling. XD

Now I'm currently trying to get everyone leveled up to level 60, and so far Billy is the most leveled up at level 47 because I legit used all the things I had to level up Jane, Seth, Lucy and Piper, my dude Anton is only at level 20 and I don't need Koleda so she's staying at level 1 (legit miffed to have gotten her instead of Nekomata I wanted the entire Cunning Hares faction dammit!)

Did some other pulls yesterday, gave me 1 Piper and 1 Anby. So currently I have Billy M2, Seth M2, Anton M2, Anby M5, Nicole M1, Ben M0, Jane M0, Lucy M1, Piper M1, Corin M4, Soukaku M6. I also got Piper's engine twice.

Also bought Amillion because I kind of legit did pretty much everything with Billy, Nicole and Anby so. XD

I also have tons of headcanons about Billy... that keep changing each time we get new info on him because it pretty much destroys what I mentally pictured so I have to adjust and I'm even more motivated after that. XD

Feel free to come chatting more about Billy. Love Billy squad unite. I'll answer once I'm home and can finally get in front of my computer.

[choshasan]

Let's talk Fictosexuality and Science for a sec

I previously pisted this on Hoyolab, several weeks ago, but I felt like tumblr needed to hear it too after looking through the #animesexual tag and seing so much uneducated hate.

First of all, Fictosexuality is the attraction to Exclusively **OR** almost exclusively fictional character, and it has many subbranches, that even I myself don't know all of them, and it falls under the umbrealla terms of Asexuality and Aromantism.

My original post from Hoyolab, corrected as best I could:

Fun science fact: a study proved that your brain cannot, in fact, tell apart the feelings you feel for a fictional character, to those you would feel a real human, Other studies have proved that it could be easier to get attached to a character rather than a real human as it is easier to get to know them and know them deeper than you would a real person, (the way they think, their full day to day routine, etc.) Therefore, yes. Scientifically speaking, you could, in fact, 100% fall in love with a fictional character, and it's not being delusional, that's just your brain and emotions working the normal way they should be!

Some of the replies I felt should be brought up:

Reply: I think some of the problem here is that, in English, we only have one word for love & a lot of native English speakers don't understand our single word is actually a spectrum of every type of love that exists; and that a person can feel some types of love without having another person reciprocate those feelings. Combine that lack of understanding with the need to be the winner of any disagreement, and you get people like the ones in this comment section who are saying you're wrong without giving any explanation for their opinion.

>

Me: Yeah, I can 100% see that. I also feel like theres this wrong mentality that a lot of people have been tought that "you HAVE to find THE one and only for you! You MUST find your ONE TRUE LOVE!" When love is totally just a spectrum and that is different for everyone. Semi-unrelated but I also feel thats where the argument that AroAce folks aren't real started from. Because people are just so convinced that everyone just has a one true love and that they'll get their one true love with no work// doing the bare minimum.

There was more replies I wanted to bring up, but filtering through over 600 comments is very hard, espetially when the hoyolab app lags, sorry.

I have so much more I wanna say on the topic because it is a topic that fascinates me, espetially as someone who identifies with Animesexuality and has found great comfort and peace in this lable.

Also, there are some people who would make the counter arguments "Fictional characters aren't a gender"

No, they are not, but you can be Gay/sapphic/lesbian/bi/pan/omni/etc. + Fictosexual.

It's as if saying you can't be aromantic but be attracted to [gender] sexualy. (Or the other way around)

People don't need to limit themselves to one and only one lable, you can be Gay Aromantic, Bi Asexual, for examples and so many more.

Another argument often made is "you can't be attracted to an innanimate object"

... they're not an object, an object needs a physical form to be, first of all.

Second, a character is a representation of a fictive **PERSON** not a fictive Object, they are real humans//creatures, they just don't have a "real physical form".

There's also the "They're not real".

They aren't real human beings that you can touch physically, they are "real". they are created characters that can be percieved, they just don't have a real, touchable physical form, but saying something isn't "real" because it's not an existing person / object on this earth is like saying Air or Gravity doesn't exist because you can't see it with your eyes. They can't be seen but they can be percieved and they are proven to exist. Plus, "they aren't real" they have been created, yes they are. Again, just not under a physical form, do you look at someone painting a landscape and say "it's not real." Because it's painted??? It can be percieved by the human mind therefore it is real in a form or another.

TL;DR: Fictosexuality is a real, science supported even (in a way), sexuality.

Some links to help better understand // further understand;

[maxzinn]

Damn why is the HSR fandom becoming way worse than genshin? And whenever there is any controversy aventurine is always somehow involved like leave my boy alone 😭

I'm a cis straight woman okay and no matter which fandom i interact with they always look down on me and assume shit about me even though i try to be nothing but understanding I have had so many tell me that I can't like a certain male character romantically because he is only for the boys/gays. Even like when you tell them you like a certain game/franchise/anime/singer or band they're like 'you have to be queer for liking this' and for some reason they try to convince me that I'm queer even though I'm not and they think that me being cis and straight makes me 'basic' and 'boring' I love jjba, Nana, Castlevania, Final Fantasy, Hsr and genshin impact but literally every fandom I've been is filled with a bunch of judgemental pricks which is sad because I was so excited to talk about my interests :( at first i thought they were being like that because I'm asian but then i realised it's because of my 'basic and boring' sexual and gender identity

and for some reason when I tell them that I'm cis straight they immediately assume I'm a white privileged woman (like i said I'm literally Asian) and i haven't struggled a day in my life which isn't true at all it's so ignorant to assume all of this about me just based off my sexual and gender identity and when I try to speak up they tell me that they're just 'giving me the taste of my own medicine' like what??? What does that even mean?? I'm not even homophobic i come from a conservative country and family but I have done proper research and educated myself on this topic and i treat everyone with respect so why can't they also be decent human beings and respect me too? I still try to be understanding but I can't stand the air of superiority among these people and they're usually under the age of 25 too because other queer people I have interacted with who are older than me don't behave pathetically like these people

(sorry this was so long you can ignore it if you want and sorry if my english is bad it's not my first language 😭 anyways I hope you have a good day/afternoon/night)

(This post is also long sorry hehe)

No cuz for real, it’s getting way more annoying in the fandom (no offense) and it’s even worse on twitter and hoyolab.

In my opinion, I think the toxicity mainly starts with people forcing to everybody that every character in hsr is queer coded and all that stuff. I keep seeing all that posts and comments that this certain character is “implied” which is not true??? It makes me wonder if they even know what the word “implied” means, cuz it basically/indirectly means that it’s canon.

I’m so done with those posts that claims “robin is lesbian and girlkisser so gtfo men” like stfu?

If you have seen the replies on tuonto’s twitter post, there’s like a LOT of people saying that. Like, hc her as lesbian if you want but DONT act like it’s canon and stop forcing your hcs on other people pls.

And when others reply to them saying that it isn’t canon and that they shouldn’t force it, they just straight up say that those people are “homophobic and lesphobic”.

I have no problems with gay/lesbian ships cuz I support all ships equally (except the illegal and problematic ones), but these delulu people are ruining it for the fandom tbh.

It’s funny that being straight/cis is seen as basic and boring now. And that part where you’re being forced to be queer is funny af 😭 are they ill?

You can like all the male characters that you like, none of them have canon sexualities and they’re certainly not canonically gay. If some person says that you shouldn’t like a certain male character cuz they’re only for the boys… then they’re ill, don’t listen to those bs.

It’s so weird that people now argue and force a sexuality onto fictional characters and just assume a certain character’s sexuality based on stereotypes (like aventurine for example) then claims that they’re a queer representation when said “representation” is just based on stereotypes.

It’s weird that a character’s sexuality matters so much when it doesn’t even matter that much, just enjoy the game and the plot? Stop projecting yourself onto them, they’re their own person and they have their own personality. They have nothing to do with your sexuality. And most of all… they’re literally PIXELS

And pls, liking a certain franchise doesn’t reflect anything on your sexuality. You can be a straight woman and like drag shows, you can be a straight woman and like BL and GL. Men can be straight and love skincare, men can be straight and like fashion/makeup. ITS NOT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?? Just stop stereotyping people 💀

[utilitycaster]

I believe you mentioned seeing Love Lies Bleeding - would love to hear your thoughts on it if you have any (and good luck with the car troubles).

It's GREAT. Everyone who is not averse to grievous bodily harm shown on screen go see it. I am not like...terribly up on film just generally; I grew up in a house that limited TV screentime with parents who hate movie theaters so there is a weird cross section of movies I know that is immensely idiosyncratic since I just don't really have a movie-going habit. Also since getting into CR in 2018 it's like. well I don't really have two hours to kill watching movies; I watch 4+ hours of stuff a week and that's plenty. So I cannot speak to things like cinematography, though it did feel well-put together and attractive to look at and all that.

I think the story is solid - nothing groundbreaking except for the fact that usually this is not a story told about queer women that (spoilers) ends with them free and together (more on this later) but it's well done as a neo-noir, the acting is fantastic, and it feels so wonderfully...big and small at the same time? Like, do not get me wrong, I enjoy a blockbuster, but when I think back to the movies I've liked as of late*, Honor Among Thieves is the only one that takes place over a sprawling journey. I guess Barbie, debatably. Like, Love Lies Bleeding is almost entirely in a small town in New Mexico with a brief portion in Vegas or in the immediate surroundings. We are not jetsetting or using green screens. The majority of the film is in a handful of places, the core cast is like 6 people with two significant supporting players. I love this. As someone who leans more towards longer form fiction in general it's just really nice to have something that says "we have under two hours and we are going to embrace having under two hours and tell a story that fucking FITS in under two hours instead of just giving you some weird shard of a Cinematic Universe."

Re the queer women: thank GOD for casting queer women as queer women and probably more importantly having queer women doing things like writing and directing. The sex scenes are great and the relationship feels...I can't say I have the experience of being one of the only queer women in a small town in the late 80s and low-key detesting the one other woman but this all feels so much like. Of course Lou responds like this! This is the first new and fortuitous thing that has happened in her life! U-Haul jokes aside like yeah this is her big chance! It's both their big chances! And honestly until pretty late in the film, because I went in with little info other than "Kristen Stewart and Katy O'Brien bodybuilder lesbian romance crime drama" I expected it to end with one of them dead and the thing is the story works either way, and that feels really great to me, a tragedy enjoyer but also a comedy enjoyer.

Also I love pitch-black humor and this absolutely has that, and I enjoy magical realism when done very sparingly and this is precisely the right amount (if you assume it's magical realism, which I do; I also enjoy ambiguity). Anyway go see a fucked up lesbian and her fucked up bi girlfriend get entangled by ambition, righteous anger, vengeance, limited opportunity, and Ed Harris's skullet and bug obsession.

Finally, a personal anecdote: I saw this at the Alamo Drafthouse and as you may know they do various event screenings. They are showing Twilight: Eclipse for the total solar eclipse. It is HILARIOUS to see a trailer for Twilight: Eclipse (ft. young Kristen Stewart as personality-less girl in love triangle with two guys) before Love Lies Bleeding. talk about a glow-up. Absolutely wild to me that Stewart and Pattinson both ended up as genuinely talented actors with a taste for the unhinged given their breakthrough was Twilight.

[aishabellasbigblogofeverything]

i hate how fandoms never want to hear that black women are beautiful or desireable like??? i'll give you an example- whenever chan (the leader of stray kids) flirts with white stays or calls white ppl pretty or whatever everyone loses their shit and it's all good right? well there were these two times he did that but with these black girls. naturally black stray kids fans went nuts, me included. idk it just felt nice- but white stays proceeded to just insult the hell out of us, call us crazy, etc etc etc, like what? but when you were doing all of that fangirling it was fine??? i just hate double standards so much. sorry for the rant but i felt like you of all people would get this yk?

Exactly, they hate knowing that Black women are attractive too because then they're white femininity is challenged. Take how whenever Black girls end up with white guys in fiction suddenly white women are all "nooo he likes this random white girl that only showed up for one second of the movie instead!" or decide he's gay(but then only ship him with white boys, never Black boys), and claim the Black girl is a strong independent woman/hc her as aroace(and aroace people still deserve representation but them doing this and noticeably never hcing them as lesbian shows that they don't think Black girls deserve any love at all), because feminism! Girl power! Except it's not! They just want to remain seen as the most attractive, desirable, feminine race...I saw this with how white music crits hated Pretty Girl Rock because it was "shallow" and told girls to be vain and only brag about their looks...! No! Black girls deserve to feel beautiful and that's what the song and music video is about! And in the comments a long time ago when someone said "Black women are beautiful", a comment from a white woman said "all women are beautiful, not just Black women, let's not put other women down to lift each other up, shall we?!" like there is nothing y'all have that Black women don't! It's racism, that's it! They know they can't compete unless they first drag us down! Look up Tignon Laws and come back to me and tell me they haven't been doing this shit for ages. 

This is why we desperately need intersectionality. 

[hils79]

Hils Watches The King's Avatar - Ep 36

Wait, I'm confused. I thought the game Team Happy lost mean they didn't qualify for the final. If they did why was everyone acting like the game was so important to the point where they broke up because they lost. What happened to the team that beat them? Is it just a points system so Happy qualified because they won all their other games? I do not understand how this league works at all

Okay, I know this is fiction and I should not be applying logic but surely if your team has disbanded you have to inform the league. You can't just let people find out for themselves when you just don't show up to a league final press conference

He's back! And he's (sort of) smiling!

I see Sun Xiang smiling at Ye Xiu's beautiful speech about how esports bring people together from all walks of life

I knew they were all going to walk on stage one at a time and announce their intention to play and I'm still bawling. I didn't expect Wei Chen to be first on stage after Ye Xiu

Oh fuck I think Ye Xiu is going to cry too. This is all too emotional

I'm fine. Absolutely fine.

Even their rival team is pleased. The only one who isn't smiling is the dickbag manager

Ooh plot twist!

BAOZI IS THE MVP. He has better get some cuddle time with his boyfriends after this

Aww see I knew they'd all come together to help Ye Xiu repair his weapon

I had to pause this scene for like 5 mins because I was crying so hard. This poor kid has been through so much and is still haunted by it

Everyone: has tasks to get what they need to repair the umbrella Ye Xiu: and what do I do? Everyone: sit there, look pretty, and click a button when we tell you to

It's about time someone took care of him instead of him taking care of everyone else. I love it.

I had legit forgotten about him. Oh no they're going to make Ye Xiu play against his own son

Ah, Sun Xiang. He has definitely matured but still refuses to accept that he has anything to learn from a child

I love him. He knows exactly what he's doing by giving Sun Xiang a kid to mentor. Especially when said kid was Ye Xiu's protege

Oh my god she is dressed even more like a lesbian and I am into it

Aww they have a guild to help them now! This makes me happy (pun not intended)

Aww even Chen Guo is helping

And she was the one to find the item they were missing. Of course. It's perfect.

And working with everyone to rebuild the umbrella has helped him process his grief. It's a beautiful thing.

Oh shit something has happened. GAH AND THAT'S THE END OF THE EPISODE

[happyk44]

Having written yet another Percicobeth drabble (or ficlet? Probably? Like the difference is in word count, right? And I'm idk how long that one was but feels long-ish), I'm thinking about comments I've gotten (and ignored) on my other Percicobeth stuff, people complaining that Nico is gay so he can't be in a relationship with Annabeth and ofc my first instinct is to go "I was here long before Nico was gay, and shipped this ship, I'm not gonna abandon it just because the owner of the boats made up something new. I've been in this boat for over a decade. You think I give a shit if the owner suddenly says my boat isn't made for the deep waters I've been taking her into this whole time?"

And that of course is totally valid. I don't think people need to give up ships or headcanons or whatever else they've had for a long time just because something changed or became official in canon. But I also don't think it matters what people ship, irrespective of canon anyway. Like, yeah, in the heydays of fandom, shipping canon gay characters with female characters was really frowned upon because there were so little canon gay characters, it was annoying to see them scrubbed out for a m/f ship, but it's not really like that anymore. But also, tbh, as annoying as it was, I never really gave too much of a shit because fandom is fandom. People like what they like. And most of the time they retconned them to be bi, not straight so who gives a shit 🤷‍♂️ just block that person if you want and move along

But that also reminds me that I did get a comment complaining that by making Nico "bi", other people will feel like it's okay to make him straight, which a) that's not how that works and b) I'm not making him bisexual, I'm saying Annabeth is his exception.

In all my years of being in the PJO fandom, the only two girls I've ever shipped Nico with was Thalia (whooo, go early days PJO!) and Annabeth. And Thalia/Nico was never a big ship to me tbh. I think I may have actively shipped it for like a few months, and even then I didn't really seek it out. If I did read it, it was usually because they were a secondary relationship in a fic with a really fascinating plot. Like the only two fics I can remember reading with them as a pairing was a time travel kidfic, and this fic where the gods faded due to lack of belief so the kids had to take their spot as gods. And both fics had an ensemble cast and a plot I wish I remembered more.

So basically - it's really just Annabeth.

And truly and honestly, and this is just for me, I don't care how you guys approach it, but I never write Percicobeth with intention of Nico being bisexual. Even in the way back, when canon gay Nico was just a dream, I always just saw Percicobeth as "Nico is really gay, but Annabeth is hot so it doesn't matter for her". And I think a lot of people saw the ship that way too.

And for all that people talk about sexuality being fluid, it's really baffling to me that some people can't wrap their minds around a fictional relationship where a gay male character hooks up with a girl he really likes, but otherwise isn't attracted to other girls.

It happens in couples where a person transitions but their partner stays with them because they love them too much. Would they look at that gender on other people with the same vibrant romantic/sexual attraction? No. But on their partner it looks good, and that's all that matters. And all the jokes about gay men kissing twinks that turn out to be lesbians thinking they were kissing another lesbian.

Also I swear when I was, like, thirteen or so, people used to use the label homoflexible/heteroflexible, which basically meant "I'm gay/straight, but if you're hot enough, I might be interested". I wonder what happened to it 🤔 but yeah, anyway - sexuality is fluid, people kiss and date and fuck who they want, and sometimes who they want is not always what their label says, and it's really up to them if they want to change it.

So in summation. Yeah, I know Nico is gay. But I've shipped Percicobeth for over a decade, and I'm gonna keep shipping it because it makes me happy. And when I write the ship, Nico is still gay, but either Annabeth is hot enough that he doesn't care, or they end up having a really deep connection and friendship outside of their relationship to Percy, that they end up hooking up anyway.

Also sometimes I write Percicobeth as "she fucks Percy and he fucks Percy, but they don't fuck each other, they just scheme together different ways to fuck with Percy", because sometimes that's what polyamory is! Sometimes it's "I'm dating X, and X is dating me and Y, but I'm just good friends with Y, and Y is just good friends with me" and that's okay too. It doesn't always have to be everyone is in love and dating each other.

The world contains multitudes.

And at the end of the day, I write what I want.

[arwainian]

Reading This Week 2024 #38

hello hello! audiobook reading persists into this week and for the forseeable future. basically any time that i have the bandwidth to be reading a physical book with my eyes i think "oh i should be working on my thesis" so audiobooks are what is keeping me from just sinking into a pile of work and never emerging

Finished:

Bloom Into You, Vol. 4-5 by Nakatani Nio, translated by Jenny McKeon this manga continues to rule, giving me my cute romance fix

Ancillary Sword by Ann Leckie, narrated by Adjoa Andoh i'm liking that while this is like the sequel to Ancillary Justice, this was a pretty self contained story. Breq i love you. love the further exploration of ancillary-ship and imperialism and had a good chat with a friend about similarities to elements of Murderbot (we looked up publishing dates so if there was any inspiration taken, Imperial Radch came first)

Squire written by Nadia Shammas and Sara Alfageeh, art by Sara Alfageeh i felt a little undersold on the friendships the protagonist made in this, but the art was amazing the whole way through

Happy New Year by kathkin on ao3

from a clear sky by kathkin on ao3

Survivor Injustice: State-Sanctioned Abuse, Domestic Violence, and the Fight for Bodily Autonomy by Kylie Cheung, narrated by Dana Wing Lau a weird thing that's happened since i've dedicated my research brain to sexual violence is that any book written with an even slightly wider audience in mind very quickly becomes a bit tedious bc I've read all of this before. however i do think the portions of this that are about domestic violence and controlling how people vote, and the prevelance of sexual violence across all political parties in the US was the most worth the read part of this book for me

The Wicked + The Divine, Vol. 2: Fandemonium written by Kieron Gillen, art by Jamie McKelvie holy shit?? excited to read the next volume (tho i think i'm going to switch the the Big volumes that collect 10 issues at a time insted of the ones with 5-6)

Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo, narrated by Emily Woo Zeller really excellent YA lesbian historical fiction/romance set in Red Scare era san francisco chinatown. really nicely balances the protagonist finding herself, finding community, and finding love, with a realistic depiction of what life was like for a young lesbian during an intensely homophobic era

my real face by kathkin on ao3

Started/Ongoing:

Rethinking Rape by Ann J. Cahill reading for my thesis! my undergrad college gets a shout out in the acknowledgements

Most Ardently by Gabe Cole Novoa, narrated by Harrison Knights ya romance remix of pride and prejudice where "Elizabeth" is actually a trans boy, Oliver Bennet. i think it's sweet but i have one issue with the book generally and one issue with the narrator. first, since i'm familiar with pride and prejudice and have read/watched a few different adaptations at this point, i'm finding the pacing of this book a bit odd. like the disastrous darcy proposal happens 75% of the way through instead of closer to the middle. this throws me off because it means there's gonna be less time afterward to build toward Oliver and Darcy actually understanding each other than i think they deserve. my issue with the audiobook is that Knights has some very distinct character voices, and yet sometimes reads lines with the wrong voice, and no one at the publisher noticed? you can't read one of Jane's lines with the lispy voice you gave Lydia and not expect me to be completely thrown out of the book. however, i do like hidden identity stuff, so the parts of the book where Oliver knows Darcy both as himself Oliver and when he is closeted/girlmoding as Elizabeth is like catnip to me up to a certain point

[archduchessofnowhere]

I'm finally back home so more thoughts about Sisi & Ich:

This movie was screened as part of a German Film Festival and while I'd never been to one before I felt it was exactly what you would expect for a film festival. Like I can't imagine this movie doing well with a general audience.

The movie is so anachronistic (completely made up fashion, modern pop music, modern hairstyles, the actors look nothing like their historical counterparts) that it's really easy to forget this is supposed to be about Empress Elisabeth and Irma Sztáray; because of that I was able to enjoy it mostly as a story about a very toxic, manipulative and dependant relationship between two women. If you like stories about fucked up people doing fucked up things to each other "out of love" you'll like this one.

This, however, made me wish they had gone full AU because every time the story actually did adapt things from real history it did it in a way it annoyed me: so Elisabeth's eating disorder became in a full on screen portrayal of bulimia (something she never had), and her complicated but mostly amicable relationship with her husband was turned into an abusive marriage. From a historical perspective these were the things I disliked the most, since to me they felt tasteless and only for shock value.

Archduke Ludwig Viktor is a character here, and while the close friendship he has with his sister-in-law in this movie is completely fictional (Elisabeth had been fond of him when he was a child but they had a fell out years later and never again got along), I actually liked it; he is kinda like Ludwig II in Corsage but without the weird kissing scenes.

But the character that completely takes the spotlight is Irma. Sandra Hüller is fantastic as her, easily the best actress in the movie. She portrays both Irma's utter devotion for the empress as well as her rage against her in such a gripping way. Really I think the movie is worth it just for her.

Elisabeth, however, was a bit underwhelming. She feels like a manic pixie dream girl for most of the movie; it's probably on purpose, since we see the story through Irma's POV and she idealised her, but personally I couldn't really connect with her character with how unrealistic she felt sometimes. It was a refreshing take, I'll give it that: it's rare to see an elder Elisabeth who isn't a mater dolorosa who's always sad and miserable.

FJ was done so dirty, they just keep making him more and more evil lol.

Every time they made a joke about Katharina Schratt... keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth!

The England segment should've been cut out because it felt like a completely different movie that pops out of nowhere, and not only isn't even the right time (the England trips were in the 1870s), but also the only thing that achieved was making me loose my respect for Elisabeth's character (the squire was cute tho).

I've seen this movie as LGBT/recommended for LGBT folks so to not disappoint you I'll give you the heads up that the only gay content we get are two hours of unresolved sexual tension between Irma and Elisabeth (and also between Ludwig Viktor and a guy from Elisabeth's staff, the gays just weren't getting it in this movie). That being said Irma is clearly a lesbian (even tho she is never referred as such) and Ludwig Viktor is also openly gay, so there are LGBT characters.

These are just some of the things I have to say off the top of my head, but I'll try to write a full review this weekend!

[weirdcat1213]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, can I ask, what are your top 7 favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series/etc) and your top 7 favorite (fictional) characters from any media? Why do you love them all? Sorry if you've answered this questions before......

Hello :D

omg i get to yell about things I like, exciting!

first im going to go with my top 7 in no special order cuz I would never be able to decide

Trigun (98, manga and stampede): I've talked WAY to much about this one but holy shit has impacted my life. The story, the characters, the pain THE SWEET SWEET PAIN MY GOD. It just mixes a lot of tropes/themes I really like. And we have 3 versions of it! How cool is that?

Steven Universe: again another classic. Discovered the show when I was young and it just grabbed my soul. Very formative and influential while I was growing up. So soft and p a i n f u l l as all thins should be :3. Plus the music is a banger. Like to this day ik songs from it. Favorite one is change btw.

Legend series (book series): no one paid attention to this series because it came out the same time as divergent and hunger games and other big titles. But I was! And it's still one of the best book series I've ever read. It totally has the 2013-2015 vibes (except for the latest one in the series, rebel) but it's....honest. not only because all the struggles in the book are real but also because the author really believes in her characters. She created them but also let them become people. Plus the writing is amazing and her description of specific moments and emotions UGH I have a huge post about it because of how cool it is. I still remember opening the first book and getting SLAPPED by the first line. Yes it's that good.

Signalis: newish game :D saw lesbians, saw violence and I was on board but I never thought the game would make me think and stare at the wall that much. So far I've played it 5 times and going for a 6th. It's so abstract and no one can decide on what's true or not but that's part of its beauty. Really clever and interesting game. Nothing is real, only lesbians with guns.

Our Flag Means Death: cool show that was about queer NOT IN THEIR TEENAGE YEARS??? IN THIS ECONOMY??? AND NOT ABOUT AIDS (sorry pose I still love you). Of course it won me over because of the queerness but also the characters themselves. It was nice to see myself in a lot of them, personality and racially wise. The fun gay pirates came to my house, destroyed my life and also gave me life. Easy as that.

Pose fx: don't like the main writer of the show too much but the rest of them ATE WITH THIS. A story about black queer woman PORTRAYED BY BLACK QUEER WOMEN. It deals with the aids crisis through the lenses of trans women and gay men but the thing in that show that blew me away was the love for femininity and the community they created around it. They actually took their abandoned and traumatized selves and became someone. They formed families that actual give support and I'm a sucker for found family. I've cried many times because I wanted Blanca to adopt me. 10/10 show about overcoming shit circumstances and the importance of community. What if I cried again.

Houseki no Kuni (manga and anime): weird manga that I've been following for YEARS because its so fucking good. The anime is beautiful and captivating af and honestly the whole thing needs to be analyzed by a Buddhist. it makes me want to learn about that religion so i can understand more. but yeah its sad, its hype, and once again its about gay rock MMM my favorite. you dont know the hours i spent looking for videos/animatic about it. hard to explain but i like to describe it as "human growth: the manga/anime"

Maybe it seems like I don't watch many movies and it's kinda true! I'm more of a shows person. but there are movies i like. maybe another day

Now onto my favorite characters but again I can't decide so this is in no special order. Also because I can't decide I'm giving the spotlight to characters that are not from the media mentioned above (for example if you dont see vash in here is because i yell about him enough like. 3 times minimum per month). Because I can. Because I'm normal about media and stories i like.

1.Steven (su): MY BOY MY MOON AND STARS. ok a lot of this list is about characters i relate to, but this one is the og. this mf is one of the kindest, awesome yet misunderstood characters of all time. theres so much rage and trauma in this little guy but there are many other feelings that get lowkey explored in the main show until BOOM the emotions explode in su future. its amazing how complex my son is. im so lucky that i got to grow up along side him in a way. and in another way it was nice to see myself kinda represented in him? fun times.

2.Tifa (ffvii): PRETTY RECENT BUT SHES THE COOLEST. ejem sorry. i love cloud, zach and the others from the game but tifa doesnt get the recognition she deserves. she survived so many tragedies and became stronger because of it. not only in body but also in mind. however she also became cautious and tries to not explode in front of others. she tries to be a safe place for people, even when shes scared. i think thats pretty admirable of her. i would say more but i dont want to risk spoiling the game but there are little moments and scenes where she just tries to be there for people because she has no one in her life anymore and fuck it makes me sad. also shes pretty hot-

3.Elektra (pose): MY QUEEN. shes just. evil sometimes. shes really a bitch to most of the characters but DAMN SHES COOL WHEN SHE IS. elektra knows she was born with a huge disadvantage in life so she grabs power like a mf and bites it. i kinda aspire to be that, to not let anyone get in my way. she just really speaks to the part of me that has bigger ambitions. but shes also smart and caring (when shes not being a bitch) and every time the world puts her down she stands up and kicks the world again. she's the power of femininity itself and yes i also think shes hot (i mean look at those cheeks of thunder) but shes like a fucking storm in a person and how i can not love that? We love poc people in power.

4.Phos (houseki no kuni): This fucking child (they're a child in my eyes) is so important to me for weird reasons. I got deep into hnk when I was in my sabbatical year. It was a time where I didn't know where I would go and phos seemed to be in a similar place. To this day it surprises me how ichikawa managed to create a "simple" character and then by all definitions made them human. I like their journey, the transformations they went through, the stages they went to cope or to confront their situation. Plus the design is pretty affff

5.Edward Teach (ofmd): I just.....really connected with this guy ok? The feeling of always being at the bottom so if you are going to rise your only option is to make people fear you but that's not true BOY HE LEFT NO CRUMBS WITH THAT WHOLE THING. he was just really cool when he entered the show and then it was "oh this guy is really fucked up actually" and he's so funny and MORE OLD POC QUEERS? FUCK YEAH. but i guess what puts him on top for me is how he explored himself and his needs. All that while being funny and tragic and gay. Really cool.

6.Anthy (revolutionary girl utena): MY DAUGHTER RRRRAAAAHHH. Anthy is a really tragic and complex character. to this day i cannot put together every reason why shes my favorite from utena. Shes tragic and my god the things she goes through break my heart every time I think about it but...shes also incredibly strong and funny and a weird keeping animals in her room. The creators did an excellent job showing her lack of agency and how she already had given up, but also showed her humanity and wish to retain things in her life that gave her joy. And movie anthy? That girl is a no nonsense girl. She will get her girlfriend no matter what from the people who abused her. She left that fucking school as a mature, smart and kind adult. We fucking stan.

7. Richard (requiem of the rose king): another recent acquired son. Idk why this one hit so much and honestly for how short the manga is (79 chapters) they did such a good job with him???? Banger themes and metaphors, banger character moments, banger GENDER moments. I've seen a few people not being able to take him seriously but idk, ir sounded honest and serious to me. A kid who has been told since birth they were a demon became one to survive but not really. Because no one with his wish can fully be a demon. Idk maybe it's cheesy but his quest for love and acceptance was a banger in my eyes (please read the manga. We can leave the anime behind). Also I like him cuz he's cool and is a character I CAN ACTUALLY COSPLAY THANK GOD-

AND THOSE ARE SOME CHARACTERS AND SOME PIECES OF MEDIA I LIKE :D IF ANYONE WANTS MORE PLS ASK.

[punkrogue]

Confession: I used to be one of those antis who hated the Roguneto age difference and saw Gambit as the "correct" love interest. But then I got older and stopped thinking about things in black and white, I realized that Rogue doesn't give a shit since her two adopted moms also have an age difference. I think a lot of Rogue "fans" project their thoughts and desires onto Rogue instead of accepting some of the less stereotypical sweet "Southern Belle" image they like to compartmentalize her into (one reason why 80s Rogue is superior to 90s Rogue is she's a subversion of the stereotype instead playing it straight like the more palatable to general audiences 90s version of the character). Looking back, I like how the "I can't touch a man" problem was sorta resolved with Roguneto in AoA, so instead Rogue's character focus in that universe is being a team leader and going apeshit to protect her son instead of angsting over Remy and how she can't have sex with him.

First off I think that regardless of context concepts like the "correct" love interest are never good. I think that's just become more and more obvious over the years as fandom has become more toxic and more people feel comfortable calling you shit like an abuser for liking a "problematic" or hero/villain kinda ship. The ships are fictional, the people aren't. Who gives a fuck if people ship milo from atlantis and yzma from the emperor's new groove (yes this is a real ship i've seen) it's not my problem. Neither of us will gain or lose brownie points with a god or whatever because we shipped the right ship. Not an attack on you just my Thoughts because that's a common issue now in fandom that I know I certainly didn't see it at these scales when I was a teen.

AS FOR THE OTHER STUFF--

god you're spitting SO MUCH TRUTH.

Okay I wrote the rest of my reply to this originally in notepad bc i don't trust tumblr and god.... this is so long 💀

But then I got older and stopped thinking about things in black and white, I realized that Rogue doesn't give a shit since her two adopted moms also have an age difference.

It never occurred to me before how the age gap between Mystique and Irene would effect her perspective but that’s such a good and interesting point! We’re not clear on even when Mystique was born or how old she really was when she met Irene and we know Irene is like easily 100 when she dies. She and Mystique met in the late 1800s — even if you keep her dying in the 80s and don’t fudge around the timeline at all for the current date 1880 to 1980 is a century. Rogue was raised by geriatric lesbians. Idk WHAT this means for her psychologically or in how her love map got formed but it’s a Thing lol. I think the big takeaway really from being raised by mystiny is really that she expects a certain level of partner care and maturity and in syncness. Say what you want about Irene and Mystique as people but they’re absolutely an in love and loving couple. They’re totally in sync and have complete faith in each other, they’re each other’s rocks. Which ofc is why Mystique went so off the rails when Irene died.

There’s definitely a lot to be said about her expecting/needing/wanting a certain amount of maturity in her partner as a result of being raised by two older women in a very established relationship. Barring the dudes who’re born in test tubes (Longshot and Joesph) basically all her love interests are older than her by some amount. Even Remy is at least a few years older than her no matter how you pace out his life.

I tend to think worrying about age gaps in a society/world or whatever like comics is dumb when everyone in question is legal. Half of them are like 50+ by now (the 05 were teens in the 60s technically, xavier fought in the KOREAN WAR, etc), some are aliens, some are gods, some people got stuck in a time loop for like 2 years, some people where in another dimension for a while, etc etc etc. It’s more trouble than it’s worth to get up in arms about it when you’re not talking about adult/minor pairings. Magneto is like, 100 now sure. He’s also been de-aged like, twice, once that I remember to the point of being a fucking toddler again. This is automatically so fucking wild and impossible to map to anything real world you’re just gonna hurt yourself trying to comprehend the ramifications of that catastrophic life change on even how the fuck he STILL REMEMBERS HIS PREVIOUS LIFE AS AN ADULT AFTER THAT let alone his future relationships with anyone lol.

I think a lot of Rogue "fans" project their thoughts and desires onto Rogue instead of accepting some of the less stereotypical sweet "Southern Belle" image they like to compartmentalize her into (one reason why 80s Rogue is superior to 90s Rogue is she's a subversion of the stereotype instead playing it straight like the more palatable to general audiences 90s version of the character).

I think you’re very right about that. When you sit down and read Rogue’s comics through all at once the difference between her in the 80s and her in the 90s is wild and not in a good way. All the edges get knocked off of her, her morals become simplified, they gloss over her tense relations with the rest of the X-Men even more than they did before. She was created with the kind of character design slogan “the girl from the wrong side of the river” and it very much seems like few people remember that when writing or drawing her and I know why that is to some extent — stripping away her “problematic” nature (remember, Rogue DID stalk and attempt to murder Dazzler and did some other fucked up shit), stressing her more mainstream insecurities, removing her heavy metal/punk/butch interests and making her more in line with a 90s pinup girl in looks makes her more appealing and fuckable to the mainstream predominately male audience of comics. Alt girls are niche. She only got to get her tat sleeve and be a motorcycle mechanic and sing rock songs and be really wild again when Claremont takes her over again in X-Treme X-Men in 2001 and it really does feel like a breath of fresh air. She’s rough and coarse and rude again. She and Storm are at each other’s throats at times. She’s angry and she’s reckless and she’s funny and she’s you know That Bitch.

“Okay but characters change and grow, they kind of have to, and just because their creator intended them to be one way doesn’t mean they have to stay that way,” some will say and this is true! If we kept to the letter of the character creator’s intentions Cable would be boring as fuck and Shatterstar wouldn’t be pansexual. But here’s the thing—

Both of those Liefeldian monstrosities still to this day have maintained their “character slogan”, their Vibe, their Flavor if you will.

Cable is still a super douche with mega guns and 80 pouches who loves shooting things and is Edgy. He’s just better written now and has more depth. Shatterstar is still an American Gladiator made into a Real Gladiator clone boy thing who loves carnage and communes thru media lingo. He just sucks dick now. And is better written.

Note how this is not what happened with Rogue. Consider how LITTLE of her time in the 90s was say, about her conflicted feelings about her Still Evil Mom or her trouble really making friends in the X-Men because of personality differences or you know HOW HER POWER SUCKS THE SOUL OUTTA THEM or her love of mechanics or any of the other things that really only seem to crop up when it’s Claremont or someone taking notes from his characterization at the wheel. Her Character Vibe is “girl from the wrong side of the river joins a different paramilitary group for better healthcare”. THAT’S LITERALLY WHO ROGUE IS. THAT’S WHY SHE JOINED THE X-MEN. There’s absolutely room for growth here but that growth does not mean she has to stop having a mullet, or stop wearing studded belts, or stop being the other lovable unwashed mongrel in the house next to Logan.

But Possum Girl is not fuckable to most men so they don’t wanna write it and they don’t wanna see it and very few girls wanna see it because they can’t project themselves onto that. Also, misogyny— internalized or otherwise. Girls aren’t allowed to be ratty, loud, coarse, butch, aggressive etc etc etc. Rogue’s name is FUCKING ROGUE she’s NOT A SOUTHERN SWEETHEART that literally DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF HER.

“When she was younger, Rogue thought the name made her sound like an outlaw. she played the part to perfection—using her power to imprint the skills and psyches of anyone she touched—until she realized she was stealing little bits of their souls." — X-Treme X-Men I think I cannot for the life of me remember what issue this is from but I know it’s a comic quote I had to type it out myself years ago since it’s not quoted anywhere else.

“The name 'Rogue' is not just a super hero code. She is very much a wild child. She likes danger and is much more of a Mississippi soul than a Louisiana soul.” — Claremont in a 2016 interview.

Rogue is SUPPOSED to be rough and wild and reckless and YEE-FUCKING-HAW MOTHERFUCKER. She’s r/THE_PACK in mutant form. There’s SO MANY WAYS to allow her to grow and change that do not mean she must sacrifice the skynyrd. But she doesn’t get to keep that. Cable gets to keep his stupid fucking pouches and his grimdark 90s patina but Rogue’s gotta have BIG 90S BAYWATCH HAIR and wear DAISY DUKES LIKE THAT ISN’T FUCKING VICIOUS ENDANGERMENT OF EVERYONE’S LIVES all so she can be the sexy southern gal and spend the majority of the 90s hemming and hawing over the practical logistics of hopping on Remy’s dick as though that man doesn’t have enough working general sex and BDSM knowledge to tackle the logistical end of a hookup with her and instead of trying to WORK WITH HER ON THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES just kinda fucking pressures her like a 10yo boy demanding a kiss from his crush for a while there before someone fucking LET HIM HAVE BETTER WRITING. Both of them are done dirty by that and most current writers more likely than not came in on this version of Rogue and Remy which is why we’re now being subjected to their malformed vapid bastard children in modern comics.

80s Rogue (and a lot of 00s Rogue) Imo are the superior Rogues because she’s an alternative girl. We have PLENTY of more mainstream girls in the X-Men but we don’t have any really who are ratty and mentally unstable and metal/punk and cause issues and don’t always sync up totally with X-Men “philosophy” and who’re Really Okay with committing Lots Of Violence and who are like, AGGRESSIVELY not perfect.

Why they chose to live in fucking nowhere Mississippi and what their financial situation is and just— whatever the fucking deal with Mystiny while they raised Rogue aside — Rogue is created as a mentally ill at risk runaway youth living in a foster/adoptive home and is heavily coded as poor/white trash. Like, I get very baffled by what the fuck is going with her early childhood with Mystiny (there’s a LOT of conflicting info) but i tend to assume they're living middle-classish since you know Mystique got that $$$. But Rogue absolutely at least coded as a lower class rough and tumble girl in the 80s and that’s like….. actually very important????????? That’s huge????????? Especially since the X-Men are the Disenfranchised Minorities with Superpowers wonder show.

Now look at any 90s comics or 10s-20s comics and show me ANY issue where “white trash” or “raised by Mystique and Destiny” shines through. Didn’t find any did you? Yeah. Thought so. This is why they’re the shittiest eras of Rogue Comics.

Looking back, I like how the "I can't touch a man" problem was sorta resolved with Roguneto in AoA, so instead Rogue's character focus in that universe is being a team leader and going apeshit to protect her son instead of angsting over Remy and how she can't have sex with him.

Part of why I like Roguneto in general is we just generally skip all the gross borderline fetishist talk about how she can’t fuck because she’d kill a dude or whatever. Magneto fucks. He just DOES. You look at him and you go "oh this man FUCKS". We don’t need to spend time on the fucking mechanics of it — in fact to do so seems INSANE. OFC HE FUCKS!!! NEXT QUESTION! Now yes Remy elicits the same kind of response but not the same level. Magneto is 3 grown children levels of fucks. DILF and GDILF fucks levels. This whole drama is completely fucking stupid with MAGNETO as the stage partner. HE’S LIKE 100 YEARS OLD AND HE OWNED A METEORITE. ROGUE HAS FIST-FOUGHT LIKE ALL OF HIS CHILDREN AT LEAST ONCE. WE HAVE OTHER THINGS TO ADDRESS.

After like 20 years of writers being weird little fetishist creeps about how exactly the logistics of Rogue and Remy fuckin would work when like that’s what a gimp suit and condoms are for, it’s refreshing to just not feel the WEIGHT of that forced conflict hanging over a romantic relationship of hers. With romy there’s SUCH a hyper focus by the writers on their sex life half the time not their overall relationship and it’s just weird and gross. Like they fuck, they figure it out and she works thru her fear of touch— can we talk about rogue’s mental instability and how that affects the relationship and remy’s fear of rejection/abandonment now?????????????? THAT'S WHAT I'M ACTUALLY HERE FOR!!!!!! YALL CAN'T SELL ME SMUT SO STOP OBSESSING OVER IT LIKE PRETEENS AND TELL ME ABOUT THEIR MESSY RELATIONSHIP DRAMA!!!!!!

Rogue also tends to just be fucking bonkers more when she’s with Magneto and I like that. She’s less southern belle and more fuck it we ball and it’s refreshing. It’s a nice combo of personalities platonically and/or romantically because Magneto is really an EXCELLENT emotional/mental rock which she needs and Rogue is 10000000% not afraid to call him a lil bitch to his face and he NEEDS people around him to help keep his ego/doom spirals in check.

Their arguments feel more like real conflicts and debates. When they team up it feels more solid and like a partnership. They just feel like there's more weight and oomph in their interactions. Magneto has such a power and gravity to him. He's literally one of the immovable tent poles of the X-Verse. They'll be finding ways to keep him on the field even when he'd be 1,000 in comic years. So by interacting with him it let's her be more of a serious character. She gets to square up unstoppable force to immovable object and really test herself against him while also knowing at the end they're gonna shake and say "good game."

You don't get that with Remy because Remy's not solid like that, he's built to move. He's meant to be flexible. If you take away his flexibility (morally, in personality, in allegiance, in wants, in self-image etc) then he's just not him anymore. But the issue there is Rogue is also malleable — she's literally absorbing other people. That's two rubber people trying to help each other stand. It ain't gonna work and none of the comic writers wanna put in the real effort to MAKE it work. (fic writers ofc, have cracked this code and know how to write romy who can actually work and be compelling even into the modern era)

for me, Remy was a good first love interest for her and I love his character and I still love their dynamic — just now in a more platonic way. Meanwhile Magneto is a better second and potentially endgame relationship for her. He's more where she is in life now and he both gives her someone to depend on when she's going fucking batshit from her powers and also someone to sharpen her claws on who can take it and dish it back.